Hi Everyone. I’m reluctantly trying something new here. My trainwreck neighbor Tiphi has started a “parenting blog”. She heard from her drug dealer pharmacist that I have a blog so she asked if she could write a guest post in an effort to get her blog off the ground. As payment to me for her space on my website I’ve made her promise to stop touching my husband inappropriately at neighborhood functions. Honey, you’re welcome.
So, without further ado, I present to you Tiphi’s guest post:
Haaaaay y’all. Ok, sew, liiiiike. My maid’s personal assistant just announced she’s preggers. While she pukes her way through my house, cleaning with a garbage can by her face, I thought I’d share some lessons I’ve learned since becoming a surrogate mommy. I don’t pay her enough to afford the internet so I force share my wisdom with her when my maid is around to translate for me I can.
Aaaand I’m super awesome at it. I know cuz she always smiles when I tell her stuff. Here are a few pieces of wisdom from me, Tiphi (short for Tiffany, but with a “ph” and an “i”. Do NOT call me “Tiffy” or “Tiffi”. That’s just gross).
Parenting Tips from Tiphi
Being smart is seeeew important. Make sure to sleep with whoever lets kids in to those schools that the rif raf can’t go to. Private schools.
- Always say, “I love you”.
To your pharmacist. These are the people who give you little candies that make it tolerable when your kids come home from wherever it is they go all day. Be nice to your pharmacist because you need them. I have 5 pharmacists in 5 different neighborhoods because there seems to be some sort of limit on how many Percocet they can give out in a 5 day period.
- It takes a village.
Hire help. Lots of it. I have a personal assistant, a nanny, a cook, a maid, my maid’s assistant, and my personal assistant has an assistant. And they are ALL ILLEGAL. That’s key because they’ll keep your secrets. Believe me, all it takes is one threat and they’ll zip those lips real tight.
- Put your best foot forward.
I show my Buphi that I take pride in the way I look. I get botox, lip injections, and body wrapped. I also eat 200 calories a day and take Healthy Trim. #imabarbie And I never, never shop at those places that the common people go to. I can’t remember what they’re called but those big places with a lot of cheap stores… you know what I’m talking about. Anyway, if the shirts are less than $200, don’t shop there. If you do, it means you don’t care about yourself.
- Emotional Support is Key.
Always show your kids that you care. When Buphi has a tough day at school I show her I care by giving her nanny the credit card so she can take Buphi to spend as much money as she needs to feel better.
- Have hobbies.
Don’t forget to take time for yourself! Every day my friends and I have a pill swap wine party little get together. It’s usually pretty low key, maybe a cookie exchange or Bunko… you know, just normal stuff.
- Build self-esteem.
Let your kids know how perfect they are! Once my Buphi got her nose done, lips plumped a little, some collagen in those cheeks, and had the fat sucked out of her muffin top, she was PUR-FEKT. Calm down! She was eight!
- Always have dinner together.
My personal assistant’s assistant goes to fetch our dinner at the Club every night. Then I make her lay it all out really nicely so the kids can all eat with her while she eats the spam sandwich I allow her to bring.
Seeeew, that’s it. That’s the end y’all. Share it with all the people you know so I’ll be super fame. I always saw myself being like a skinnier, more famous Kelly Ripa and I’m pretty sure I’m well on my way. Thanks for loving me almost as much as I love me.