The Curious Business of Mustachioed Gentlemen and some ladies

Mustaches fascinate me.  Maybe it’s because my dad always had one.  Until I was well into my twenties I don’t ever remember seeing my dad without a mustache.

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It was a glorious one.  Thick, dark, mysterious.  Look at that beautiful flavor-saver!

They’re very covert, mustaches.  You can’t even see my dad in this picture, can you?  Nope. Just tha ‘stache. Tha show stealin’ ‘stache. 

No wonder Tom Selleck was a fan.

They have a long history.  Much like the cockroach.  They just won’t die.

Mustaches seemed to come out hot and heavy in the wild west days.  Kind of like a “hey, ladies, look at my hairy upper lip.  That means I’m a super hunky strong guy and I can shoot a gun.”  #swoon.

Hitler made them questionable.  But his was so tiny that the horrid actions of that horrible person were never officially blamed on the ‘stache.

“Listen, I get what you’re saying.  He’s the worst.  But please, don’t blame the ‘stache!”, argued every well-mustachioed man in the 1940’s to his wife.

For some, Uncle Sam made the decision for them.  Only clean-shaven men can shoot guns for ‘Merca!

Admittedly, it’s hard to come back from such a PR blunder as Hitler.  So as to avoid guilt-by-association, the ‘stache took a little time to “find himself”.  I imagine he high-tailed it to a posh rehab center somewhere in the Nevada desert to ride out the storm.

Re-emerging at just the right time, the moo-stache came back to us better than ever in the 1970’s.  The seventies.  Hair, hair everywhere.  And I mean everywhere… 

Thanks, Burt Reynolds.

And that symbol of manliness lasted well into the 1980’s.

But then something changed.

The 90’s were very unkind to the mustache as a result of gross fall out caused by the likes of Ron Jeremy and John Wayne Gacy-types taking on the upper lip accessory throughout the 80’s.  It seems as though at some point all the non-murderous, non-porn acting men said, “Enough is enough!”  And shaved the once-beloved symbol of manliness, no doubt crying a bit as each hair hit the floor (or the hair-catching container of those fancy shavers).

We saw the rise (pun intended) of the “porn ‘stache” as an insult to ‘stache sporters everywhere.  Also, puberty sufferers in the 90’s gave birth to the “crust ‘stache”.

While hilarious as a 14-year-old girl, I can see where that would be hurtful to a 14-year-old boy.  But he shouldn’t have pulled my hair so I stick by my name-calling.  Even 3$s8krj years later.

Justin Bieber still rocks tha crustache.  And on busy weeks when I hardly have time to pee, let alone make it to the salon, so do I. 

my stache

All it took was one creepy weirdo sporting a ‘stache while getting busted for something gross and BAM!  The once beloved and envied ‘stache is now a symbol of creepy weirdos everywhere.

THANKS FOR RUINING IT, PORN STARS.  AND CHILD MOLESTORS.  AND CIRCUS PERFORMERS.

Wait, that’s unfair.  The circus performers didn’t really damage the reputation of the ‘stache.  They seem to be pretty innocent in all of this.  AND, they have the super-cool handle bar mustaches.  Kudos.  If anything, they’re the victims in this, too.  Now I feel bad.

Ok, back to it.

Just when you thought they were gone forever (marked by the removal of Alex Trebek’s beautiful lip adornment), they’re baaaaaack!

Mustaches went on sabbatical just long enough to become vintage.  Like phone booths, old cars, aztec-print clothes, and anything ‘distressed’, being vintage made them cool again.  (Jury is still deliberating on the aztec-print).

Tom Selleck, you may come out now.

Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell Alex Trebek.

If my great-great grandfather traveled into the future, his look would be perfect.  Clothes and all.  Well, maybe the high collared shirt would have to go.  And the odd hat.  But the hair cut + mustache would = perfection among hipsters everywhere.  Maybe just throw on a tat or two and a flannel shirt.

Ok, maybe if my great-great grandfather and a lumber jack had a baby and- what?  It could totally happen.  Why do you assume the lumber jack has to be a guy?  Are you sexist?  I’m offended.  Now I’m too offended to properly end this post.

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