Absurd Things I Think About When Getting a Massage

Things I Think About When Getting a Massage

A few days ago, a co-worker won one of those “drop your business card in the fishbowl and you could win lunch for your whole office” things (I know, I thought the same thing! People DO actually win those, I guess!). She was so generous and made sure that all of us had to opportunity to enjoy the delicious pizza along with TWENTY-MINUTE CHAIR MASSAGES!!!! What?! Sign. Me. Up.

When it was my turn I walked into the same conference room that normally houses mundane and verbose meetings. However, for my twenty-minute chair massage it was a heavenly oasis in the middle of the desert where no relaxation is found. Quiet music, dimmed lights… if not for the meeting table, white board, and executive meeting chairs I would have never known it was the same room. I walked around all of those horrible reminders to find my massage chair, said hello to my new favorite best friend masseuse and sat down. For the next twenty minutes I had an internal dialogue with myself that I realize in hindsight may not be normal, but then again, I can’t be the only one. So if you find yourself with the following thoughts during your next massage, know you aren’t alone:

  1. “Oh, that’s nice… wait, did I just make a porn noise?”
  2. “OUCH! IT HURTS SO GOOD!!!! That’s what she said.”
  3. “OMG I think she’s crushing my larynx. Is that what that is? I don’t really know where my larynx is. I’m gonna die not knowing how. What do I tell Janis Joplin and Amy Winehouse when they ask me why I’m dead? Can’t. Breathe. Boutta pass out.”
  4. “She’s close to pushing my face through this face hole! Can that happen? I think we’re about to find out! What would she do?! OMG that would be hil-arious. Could I get workers’ comp? I wonder if I could get a free week off of work. Kind of like in college if you got hit by a bus you get an auto 4.0 GPA. Would I get a free one of these in the future for my trouble? I could deal with that. Would the fire department have to come? I bet that’s happened before.”
  5. “That music. I wonder if my kids would immediately go to sleep if I played it at home. I need to ask what music that is so I cannnnn zzzzzz”
  6. {Wakes up abruptly} “Did I just fart or was that the chair?? OMG please tell me it was the chair. Ugh, not the chair.”
  8. Really, how am I supposed to be productive after that? I can’t work under these conditions.

Getting a massage is so relaxing for me. But obviously not so relaxing that my crazy mind shuts off for me. How bout you? Any absurdities run through your mind during a massage? Please tell me I’m not the only one.

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Who Killed Joy?

Smart grown-ups understand that kids need fun. The great teachers we all remember made learning fun and relevant. The best birthday parties we attended as kids were FUN! And if there were animals involved, even better.

Consider the cash cows that target kids and we as grown-ups think, “WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?!” American Girl, Diamond Girls Day Spa, Monkey Joe’s, Sky Zone all built an empire on fun and making kids feel special.

Sure, grown-ups have a few equivalents… Dry Bar, Top Golf, any place that sells cupcakes AND alcohol.

But our bosses don’t typically think, “Ok… we need to increase productivity. How can I make this fun for my employees so that they WANT to go sell this chemical that no one can pronounce?”

When did that end??? (that’s what she said)

At what age is it assumed that a person doesn’t need fun anymore to get through the day-to-day??

Oil changes, paying bills, buying a new water heater… WHERE DID THE FUN GO???? Chances are, I’d remember to pay my trash bill every other month if it were FUN!

For adults, if you want fun, first put in your 1,000 work hours for the week THEN MAYBE you can go blow $200 at Top Golf IF your Evil Step Mother boss doesn’t give you work to take home.

{I’ve heard rumors that there exists a boss who rides around on a unicorn granting wishes for fun work environments and great co-workers. Believe it or not, I met him once or twice. He was beautiful. But he didn’t stay as long as I’d hoped.}

And I have yet to hear of a place that makes it fun to get your car serviced.

Um… ma’am you get to drive a car that works now. That’s your incentive. So I can overcharge you and treat you like you’re a stupid piece of poo because in the end, your car works. For now. You’re welcome.

Do I sound irresponsible and childish? Perhaps. Do I care? Balls, no. I want more fun, DAMMIT!

I promise, I’d be more receptive to hear about the new job you want me to price if you aren’t so serious all the time and if you’d stop staring blankly at me when I reference Joe Dirt.

I hereby challenge anyone out there who owns a place of business such as a car repair shop, a cell phone provider, a cable company TO MAKE IT FUN!!!!!!! And, if possible, not so sketchy. Thanks.

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