10 Awesome Reasons to Drink Wine

Lol, like we need a reason to drink wine… Anyway, I thought I’d share a few random thoughts I’ve been wrestling with today. Maybe y’all can help me through my issues.

  1. Does Rachel Ray have a speech impediment? Why does she always use half-words? Does it drive anyone else cray when she says “delish” or “nutrish”? It’s so totes obnox.
  2. I want a hammock in my studio at home. Is that weird? My hubs says it is. But I’ve always been weird and he married me so I feel like I’m just giving him more of what he wanted. PLUS, I’m convinced that I would be so much more creative in a hammock. With a fully stocked wine fridge. Hidden in my panic room. Oh, yeah, I also want a panic room. Am I alone in thinking that all of this would be awesome?!
  3. My youngest, my big little man starts kindergarten in less than 2 weeks. Check my blog for lots of alcoholic beverage recipes, coming soon (that’s what she said). I’ll be trying out lots just to stay sane. If you have any good ones, feel free to share. No one likes drinking alone.
  4. Is there crack in Thai food? No, not ass crack. I also think it may be sprinkled in gelato. All of it. Oh, and in Starbucks coffee. Wait, I see a pattern emerging…
  5. Can I start a Go Fund Me page to fund my beach house or is that tacky? I feel like I’m prettier when I’m at the beach. And that benefits everyone.
  6. I read a headline (uh, yes, just the headline) the other day suggesting that salads are bad for you. Since then I’ve decided that I might as well go out in a blaze of deep fried Twinkie glory because it’s all bad for me anyway. Anyone wanna come with? There’s plenty of room on this pretty train of crazy.
  7. Do you ever see those moms who are always dressed like Barbie in unglamorous places? Do you ever wonder if they regret wasting time to get dolled up to watch their husband compete in a mud race? Or wonder if they’re really time travelers who thought the DeLorean would drop them off somewhere else?

{“Wait…………. What?! WHERE ARE MY RAINBOOTS?”}

  1. I watched the movie Sybil as a kid and it creeped me out somethin’ fierce. Now that I’m grown I realize that this movie is really just about the everyday woman.

{“Yesterday I could speak French. Today I can’t even speak English. I don’t even know where my youngest kid is… wait, I have kids?!?”}

  1. How many times a day do you pick up your phone to look up something important only to get distracted by a new text and forget what you initially HAD TO FIND OUT then put your phone down and immediately pick it back up because you remember you were going to look something up but can’t remember what it was? So far today I’m at 3… I think. I can’t remember.
  2. Nope, never mind. I only had 9 things.
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There Goes the Mommy-hood

{There is a knock on the door.  A woman with a fake-looking disheveled blonde bob, wearing a miss-buttoned cardigan and pearls is standing on the other side when you answer.  Aaaand she may or may not have just hiccupped.}

Hi!  I’m Tiphi!  It’s short for Tiffany with a “ph” and an “I” just to be annoying. Welcome to the mommy-hood!  We are all so happy you moved in.  It’s a great place to live, really.  I would have baked you a cake or some cookies but I’m so lit exhausted that at times my husband thinks I’m dead.  So…..

Anything you need please holler!  We are all very supportive of each other here. 

{Unless you do really weird things with your kids.  Then we will all make fun of you.  Also, don’t sell on my turf poach my babysitter.  Or look at my husband.  And if you drop the baby weight quicker than I did, I’ll stab you in the throat.}

A little info to help you fit in:

All of the mommies in our mommy-hood only give our kids gluten-free, grass-fed, paleo-approved organic tofu, sugar-free bamboo shoots, and unwaterized water. 

{You’ll want to do the same or your kid will be ostracized by all of us and no one will let their kids play with yours.}

Also, have you thought about pre-pre-pre-pre k yet?  What am I saying, of course you have!!!  (fake laugh, fake laugh, fake laugh).  I started my Buphi (Buffy with a “ph”) at 9 days old.  I held her back because I wanted to wait until she was ready to learn.  I didn’t want to push her.  She goes to the Academy of the Sacred Saint Tiger Moms.  It’s pretty competitive but I’m sure you already know that!  (fake laugh, fake laugh, fake laugh).  Soooooo…. 

I have a fantastic nanny that I found through wetakecareofyourkidssoyoudonthavetolookatthem.com.  I highly recommend them.  Being a mom is SEW EXHAUSTING.  You’re going to need help.  Like just yesterday my nanny’s assistant’s secretary picked my Buphi up from school, Latin lessons, swimming, karate, cello, chess, and fencing and the little monster actually wanted me to get off the couch to give her a hug!  Ugh.  I’m beyond tapped.  Two-year-olds are so DEMANDING!  Am I right?!

So, not to salt a wound, but I noticed yesterday when you were bringing your baby home from the hospital that she was wearing d-i-a-p-e-r-s.  I have someone who can help with that.  My poor Buphi was still wetting herself at ONE MONTH.  Poor thing.  She’s still in counseling over it.

Oh!  Just in case you’re interested we have a mommy-hood wine party every morning at 2:30 PM after the nannies drop the kids off at school and we have the chance to get Botoxed.  It’s pretty fun.  We really just sit around and talk about how much fun we were before we had kids and drink too much to function.  You know, though, I just wish the school opened a little earlier than 5:30 am.  I feel like I never have enough time to do the things I need to do!  Anyway, this week we’re having a pill swap cookie exchange so let me know if you want in!

Also, my husband is always with his mistress works in sales and is out of town a lot but we would love to have you guys over for dinner some time! 

{I’m not going to throw out any dates or times because it’s just an empty offer to make myself feel better and seem nice.  Plus, when I see you at the pool looking better than me I can tell the other moms that you must be a bitch because I invited you over but nothing ever came of it.}

Anyway, I won’t keep you.  I know you’re probably cray-cray busy managing your housekeeper, night nurse and nanny!  (fake laugh, fake laugh, fake laugh).  Seriously, though.  Here is my fake number that I will never answer.  Please don’t call me if you need anything at all.

Sew great to meet ewe!  We’re gonna be frenemies BESTIES!!!  I just know it!

My fellow moms out there have had this encounter.  You know you have.  If you haven’t, chances are you are Tiphi.  Don’t worry.  It’s not too late for an intervention.  Friends don’t let friends be Tiphi.

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