Why We Wine

Adults Know All

When I was a kid dreaming of becoming the famous person that I am, all the grown ups around me seemed to have life figured out. They had it together. Bills paid, scheduled car maintenance, starched clothes that looked professional and well-planned, mortgages, taxes, family organizational skills… all the adults were killin it as far as I could tell. All of them. {Except the guy that owned the store that we all knew was a cover for his weed business. But that guy served a different purpose.} I always assumed that there was some magical age where I would start wearing matching socks and get regular oil changes. I’ve since learned that there is no magical age. Turns out, grown ups in the ‘90’s were just really good at faking it (wink, wink).

Reality Bites

Based on my juvenile observations, adulthood wasn’t supposed to be chaotic and overwhelming. Finding love was never supposed to lead to heartache. Parenthood isn’t supposed to feel impossible. BUT IT IS, IT DID, AND IT DOES! Let me tell you a little secret if you haven’t discovered it for yourself already: the grown up world is rotten with the stench of reality. A reality that would be much more palatable if it weren’t falsely presented as perfection to us as kids through TV and movies, leaving songs such as “Purple Rain”, “You Outta Know”, and “Here I Go Again” my only hint as to the truth of reality. [And, I don’t know about you, but I thought “Secret Agent Man” by Johnny Rivers was really a song about a secret Asian man, and that’s just ONE example, so you can understand the messages of song were lost on me.]

For example: Walt Disney is a lying arsehole. I’ve never met a guy who would attempt to slay a dragon for my honor. I HAVE, however, met a few guys who would named their man hose “Dragon”. If Sleeping Beauty (AKA, the princess I most identify with) met a guy that her family warned her against, who lied and manipulated his way into her heart, knocked her up, then left her for someone younger and more ethnically diverse, I’d say he was describing my first marriage. It would be a warning to all little girls to look out for liars. And it would be useful. But that’s not what he did. So I thought all guys were protective and chivalrous… turns out, some of them are… noooooot.

Also, whoever wrote the Brady Bunch is a lying arsehole. Families don’t resolve their differences in 30 minutes or less. I didn’t know that and didn’t understand why my sister and I were still arguing after 31 minutes. I have one family member who has been holding a grudge against me for YEARS. But, then again, we don’t have Alice with her quick quips to help us see the light of reason.

Additionally, the guy who started Pinterest: AN ABSOLUTE ARSEHOLE. Pinterest is the sole reason women everywhere feel inadequate upon seeing our results after trying to bake from scratch the impossible candy-filled unicorn mirror glazed cake. And don’t get me started on the homemade charcoal mask that takes the top 6 layers of your face off. Could we get a social media platform that bakes the cake for us? Cuz that would be great. Oh, wait. Hey, Uber Eats! How you doin’?

The last example provided in this super-impactful, news-worthy, and vividly-made point: the male creator of Wonder Woman is a lying arsehole. When I run around in the same outfit as Wonder Woman, no cool music plays, I don’t gain any super human fighting skills, and people threaten to call the police. Also, I’m still waiting on my magic lasso, which, by the way, has yet to even SHIP! I bet it doesn’t even work.

All these realizations have culminated into a big let down. You know how you felt when you learned that Santa, the Easter Bunny, AND the Tooth Fairy were all made up? Yeah, like that. I feel like that every. single. day.

It’s Fine

Because reality has been a bit different than I imagined, I’ve found ways to cope with the misalignment of expectations. For example: “It’s fine.” I say that a lot. It’s such a versatile phrase! Shat goes south but I’m trying to convince myself that it’s survivable- “it’s fine”. My husband picks a restaurant I don’t really want to go to because he’s super healthy and I just want fried chicken bathed in honey mustard and chocolate lava cake with vanilla ice cream for dessert but I don’t want to disagree because I’m a hopeless co-dependent AND I want to pretend like PMS isn’t ruling my life right now- “it’s fine”. My son strings gum out of his mouth and then wraps it around his neck before I can stop him- “it’s fine”. My daughter makes muffins and dumps half of the batter on the floor and now the dogs are “cleaning up the chocolate chips”- “it’s fine”. My dog gets scared by a passing dump truck and poo’s on the floor minutes before our house warming party… you guessed it! But sometimes “it’s fine” doesn’t work.

Now What?

We don’t have to go very far to hear what we’re doing wrong. We don’t exercise enough. We exercise too much. We shouldn’t dress like a school marm. We should really dress more conservatively. Have a career. Don’t work so much. Let your kids sleep in your bed. Don’t. You’ll kill them with your fat rolls. Don’t hug your kids too much… they’ll spoil. Discipline your kids, but not THAT way. Count calories, count fat grams, count carbs, eat carbs, don’t eat carbs, kale is all you should eat, and cauliflower is pizza now. Take meds to manage the stress, don’t take meds to manage the stress. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE! Who does? Who can tell me what to do cuz I have no fuq’n clue.

We are doing our best some days just to keep everything going. Relationships, careers, parenthood, expectations pile up like the unfolded laundry mountain and it’s easy to find yourself crying in a closet firmly grasping a bottle of champagne (hey, at least I keep it classy). But what if we were all more honest and forgiving with each other? What if we stopped hiding behind the fake perfection of staged social media pictures and smiles and showed what it’s REALLY like to be a grownup so that maybe it’ll be a little easier for those who will go through this stage of life after us? What if by sharing the hardships we all learn how normal it is to cry in the closet, go on mini-vacations to Target, or hide from our kids in the bathroom for just one moment of peace so that the next new mommy who comes along doesn’t think she’s doing EVERYTHING wrong?

You’re Enough

What’s rare to hear is what we’re doing RIGHT. Have you ever received a genuine and sincere compliment that has stuck with you all day, maybe for years? How great is that feeling?! What if we did more of that instead of breaking each other down so that we could feel superior for one second? We are more prepared for any journey when someone who’s already traveled that path tells us what to look out for. What if we did that for each other more often?

Yes, life is hard. Some good, some bad, some stupid… But there’s so much humor and beauty and good in the imperfect. If you ask me, that’s where the stories are. So, grab a glass of wine and accept the chaos. And maybe snap of picture of it. #whywomenwine We’ll swap war stories.

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10 Awesome Reasons to Drink Wine

Lol, like we need a reason to drink wine… Anyway, I thought I’d share a few random thoughts I’ve been wrestling with today. Maybe y’all can help me through my issues.

  1. Does Rachel Ray have a speech impediment? Why does she always use half-words? Does it drive anyone else cray when she says “delish” or “nutrish”? It’s so totes obnox.
  2. I want a hammock in my studio at home. Is that weird? My hubs says it is. But I’ve always been weird and he married me so I feel like I’m just giving him more of what he wanted. PLUS, I’m convinced that I would be so much more creative in a hammock. With a fully stocked wine fridge. Hidden in my panic room. Oh, yeah, I also want a panic room. Am I alone in thinking that all of this would be awesome?!
  3. My youngest, my big little man starts kindergarten in less than 2 weeks. Check my blog for lots of alcoholic beverage recipes, coming soon (that’s what she said). I’ll be trying out lots just to stay sane. If you have any good ones, feel free to share. No one likes drinking alone.
  4. Is there crack in Thai food? No, not ass crack. I also think it may be sprinkled in gelato. All of it. Oh, and in Starbucks coffee. Wait, I see a pattern emerging…
  5. Can I start a Go Fund Me page to fund my beach house or is that tacky? I feel like I’m prettier when I’m at the beach. And that benefits everyone.
  6. I read a headline (uh, yes, just the headline) the other day suggesting that salads are bad for you. Since then I’ve decided that I might as well go out in a blaze of deep fried Twinkie glory because it’s all bad for me anyway. Anyone wanna come with? There’s plenty of room on this pretty train of crazy.
  7. Do you ever see those moms who are always dressed like Barbie in unglamorous places? Do you ever wonder if they regret wasting time to get dolled up to watch their husband compete in a mud race? Or wonder if they’re really time travelers who thought the DeLorean would drop them off somewhere else?

{“Wait…………. What?! WHERE ARE MY RAINBOOTS?”}

  1. I watched the movie Sybil as a kid and it creeped me out somethin’ fierce. Now that I’m grown I realize that this movie is really just about the everyday woman.

{“Yesterday I could speak French. Today I can’t even speak English. I don’t even know where my youngest kid is… wait, I have kids?!?”}

  1. How many times a day do you pick up your phone to look up something important only to get distracted by a new text and forget what you initially HAD TO FIND OUT then put your phone down and immediately pick it back up because you remember you were going to look something up but can’t remember what it was? So far today I’m at 3… I think. I can’t remember.
  2. Nope, never mind. I only had 9 things.
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There Goes the Mommy-hood

{There is a knock on the door.  A woman with a fake-looking disheveled blonde bob, wearing a miss-buttoned cardigan and pearls is standing on the other side when you answer.  Aaaand she may or may not have just hiccupped.}

Hi!  I’m Tiphi!  It’s short for Tiffany with a “ph” and an “I” just to be annoying. Welcome to the mommy-hood!  We are all so happy you moved in.  It’s a great place to live, really.  I would have baked you a cake or some cookies but I’m so lit exhausted that at times my husband thinks I’m dead.  So…..

Anything you need please holler!  We are all very supportive of each other here. 

{Unless you do really weird things with your kids.  Then we will all make fun of you.  Also, don’t sell on my turf poach my babysitter.  Or look at my husband.  And if you drop the baby weight quicker than I did, I’ll stab you in the throat.}

A little info to help you fit in:

All of the mommies in our mommy-hood only give our kids gluten-free, grass-fed, paleo-approved organic tofu, sugar-free bamboo shoots, and unwaterized water. 

{You’ll want to do the same or your kid will be ostracized by all of us and no one will let their kids play with yours.}

Also, have you thought about pre-pre-pre-pre k yet?  What am I saying, of course you have!!!  (fake laugh, fake laugh, fake laugh).  I started my Buphi (Buffy with a “ph”) at 9 days old.  I held her back because I wanted to wait until she was ready to learn.  I didn’t want to push her.  She goes to the Academy of the Sacred Saint Tiger Moms.  It’s pretty competitive but I’m sure you already know that!  (fake laugh, fake laugh, fake laugh).  Soooooo…. 

I have a fantastic nanny that I found through wetakecareofyourkidssoyoudonthavetolookatthem.com.  I highly recommend them.  Being a mom is SEW EXHAUSTING.  You’re going to need help.  Like just yesterday my nanny’s assistant’s secretary picked my Buphi up from school, Latin lessons, swimming, karate, cello, chess, and fencing and the little monster actually wanted me to get off the couch to give her a hug!  Ugh.  I’m beyond tapped.  Two-year-olds are so DEMANDING!  Am I right?!

So, not to salt a wound, but I noticed yesterday when you were bringing your baby home from the hospital that she was wearing d-i-a-p-e-r-s.  I have someone who can help with that.  My poor Buphi was still wetting herself at ONE MONTH.  Poor thing.  She’s still in counseling over it.

Oh!  Just in case you’re interested we have a mommy-hood wine party every morning at 2:30 PM after the nannies drop the kids off at school and we have the chance to get Botoxed.  It’s pretty fun.  We really just sit around and talk about how much fun we were before we had kids and drink too much to function.  You know, though, I just wish the school opened a little earlier than 5:30 am.  I feel like I never have enough time to do the things I need to do!  Anyway, this week we’re having a pill swap cookie exchange so let me know if you want in!

Also, my husband is always with his mistress works in sales and is out of town a lot but we would love to have you guys over for dinner some time! 

{I’m not going to throw out any dates or times because it’s just an empty offer to make myself feel better and seem nice.  Plus, when I see you at the pool looking better than me I can tell the other moms that you must be a bitch because I invited you over but nothing ever came of it.}

Anyway, I won’t keep you.  I know you’re probably cray-cray busy managing your housekeeper, night nurse and nanny!  (fake laugh, fake laugh, fake laugh).  Seriously, though.  Here is my fake number that I will never answer.  Please don’t call me if you need anything at all.

Sew great to meet ewe!  We’re gonna be frenemies BESTIES!!!  I just know it!

My fellow moms out there have had this encounter.  You know you have.  If you haven’t, chances are you are Tiphi.  Don’t worry.  It’s not too late for an intervention.  Friends don’t let friends be Tiphi.

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