The Artist Formerly Known as Bea Arthur

I loved that Prince channeled his inner Bea Arthur at the Grammy’s.

Bitch, please.
Bitch, please.

Does anyone else wonder why no adults found golden tickets in the Wonka Bars?

Why do celebrities feel the need to explain why they don’t have a nanny? Congratulations, you are actually taking care of your child like a normal person. I assume you want an Oscar?

Yesterday I heard a radio DJ say that Monty Python is no longer relevant because the humor is too intelligent for kids today. That tells me 2 things: 1) I’m irrelevant 2) I’m a genius.

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Get In My Head

The other day I saw a truck driving around Alpharetta.  Not unusual, right?  The strange part: on the back of the truck were the words: “DUDE!  Like, Jesus loves you… Ever think about that?”  Just seems to target a very specific audience.  I didn’t realize so many surfers lived in Alpharetta.  But hey, I’m sure they need Jesus, too.

Yesterday on my way home I saw a cop clocking people on the interstate.  Not weird.  Happens all the time at 5:30pm in gridlocked Atlanta traffic.  I’m sure he met quota with all the cars crawling along at 48 miles per hour.  Good job, Super Trooper.

This morning at Starbucks I was reading headlines.  One referenced a “UN Official”.  But I read it as “unofficial” and was pretty confused.  I must have been really tired because I read it, like, 4 times before I caught it.

There is an amazing new gelateria at Avalon.  We went Friday night.  However, misspellings were rampant.  And I got so annoyed that I almost couldn’t order.  Almost.  Then I realized that I’m probably the only person in Alpharetta, GA who can write Italian so I got over it.  Or did I???  I’m obviously still bothered by it.   Just write the flavors in English if you can’t spell Italian words!  OOOOOR, here’s a thought: GOOGLE!  Ugh.

OH!  And don’t ask me to send you directions anywhere.  Unless you are my grandmother.  I’ll gladly verbally direct Betty C. anywhere she would like to go.  Because she doesn’t have immediate access to Google.  For you, there is no excuse.  GOOGLE IT!  If you have the name for a venue, that’s all you need.  For reals.  I’m not your secretary.

I’m learning that when someone says, “Oh, but you don’t need to worry about that”.  I definitely do need to worry about that.

Since my surgery 2 weeks ago, any time my little man is acting out, I just show him my belly button and he shuts up.  Then runs away.  I’m thinking of trying it at work. Or with my hubs.

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8 Thoughts I Had Today

Every time my kids’ birthdays roll around I feel like I’m planning a wedding.  WHY ARE VENUES SO EXPENSIVE??????  Am I funding the owner’s coffee habit?  Maybe paying for him or her to send a kid to college?  All I want is a place for 10-20 kids to run around and not break anything…  Especially my bank.  Oops!  Too late!

If you are offered a job and tell me that you have to talk the offer over with your dad, there is a problem.  I rescind the offer immediately.  Is your dad going to drop you off every day?

Don’t correct my kids if I’m sitting right there.  Especially if you are working for an establishment at which I am a patron.  I won’t give you my money and I may punch you in the throat.  Back up.

I want an excuse to wear a sparkly, pretty dress and have my friends say super nice things about me that probably aren’t true.  I’m going to have an awards ceremony.  Invitations coming soon (that’s what she said).

Actors/Directors/Models, no one cares what your political beliefs are or that you do/don’t believe mothers should co-sleep with their baby.  Shut your mouth unless you’re telling me that you are starring in a new Melissa McCarthy movie.

Oh, and Angelina, please don’t run for office.  Ever.

Also, I don’t care to know that anyone I see on TV is getting their implants removed, or even put in for that matter…

Every day at the gym there is a large man (picture a very soft Michael Clarke Duncan) who wears daisy duke running shorts.  He gets on the elliptical machine and sits down on the back of it for a bit to contemplate life (isn’t that what it’s for?).  And we all see what God gave him.  At least he’s pretty 🙂

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Beware of Paper Towels

Chopsticks at Panda Express… why?  You’re at Panda Express.  And you aren’t from China.  It’s like wearing a sombrero and poncho to Taco Bell.  Although, I think I’ve figured out why those who use chopsticks are so skinny.

Today at the gym a woman who looked to be in her 70’s walked from the shower and placed two paper towels on the bench in front of me.  While she was covered in a towel she hiked it up and sat on the paper towels while putting her shoes on.  She stood up and the paper towels got stuck in her butt crack.  No, I’m not joking.  The best part was the giggle that came out of her.

Does anyone else with kids feel like they’ve run a marathon after bathing 2 kids???  It sounds like it should be so simple!  Bathing 2 kids… it’s like herding wet cats.


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9 Things I Thought of Today

My kids are awesome and it’s all my fault 😉
I need to live at the beach.
Currently there is a man sitting at the playground wearing a very long, white belt that looks to be made of crocodile. I’m concerned.
Sometimes I think maybe I’m an alien sent to Earth as some sort of punishment.
If you are able to complain then you are able to fix it. If you are complaining while you are fixing it I’ll listen. If not, shut yer face. No one wants to hear it.
Every time I see Jamie Foxx I fully expect him to say, “I gotchew”.
It creeps me out to hear someone speak whose voice doesn’t match them. For example, a Fijian man with a lisp and a southern accent or a Chinese man with a British accent. Gotta admit, it throws me a little.
Prevention Magazine: feeding material to hypochondriacs everywhere.

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Random Shat We All Think

I love being a regular at Starbucks.  Until I want to try something different.  Although, it does mean I get two drinks: the one the barista made me when she saw my car pull in the parking lot and the one I asked for, which they prolly spit in.

If my kids were less cute they’d be better behaved.

{I can’t stay mad at you.}

My dream job is teaching yoga on the beach.  I feel like it’s a thing.

Scratch that.  I’m not serious enough to teach yoga.  I’d just make fun of everyone.

I have an Oscar acceptance speech written in my head.  I practice from time to time.

When I was younger I used to wonder what kind of schedule celebrities keep to need hospitalization for “exhaustion”.  Then I realized that “exhaustion” must be code for “meth”.

Why do people apologize when they obviously aren’t sorry?  “Hi, um, you over charged me.  I’m sorry!”  No, you aren’t.  Why would you be sorry that SHE over charged you?  Are you sorry for pointing it out?  If so, you don’t deserve the money.  Are you sorry for the inconvenience?  You shouldn’t be.  If you hit the clerk in the face, then you should apologize.


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Words to Kill Time

Justin Beiber is a girl. I’m totally convinced and no one can tell me any different.
The other day I got really excited because one of my “II” wrinkles between my eyes was going away. Then I realized no. It was just an underground zit. Now the dam thing won’t go away. I want my wrinkle back.
I’ve had my blonde chihuahua for 9 years and love her dearly but her hair gets everywhere and shows up on anything dark. I usually avoided dressing in dark clothes to make up for it. We just rescued a black lab who leaves a fur puppy behind anytime she is anywhere that shows up on anything light. I’m screwed.
I’m really bad at parking my car. So I got a bigger one that’s even harder to park. Cuz that makes sense.
If there were a contest for strangest things found in a purse I would win. Right now I have a plastic dolphin keychain flashlight that chirps in my purse. And it’s broken. I also have a medicine dropper for my dog. In my purse.
I would marry Greg, screw Peter, and kill Bobby.
I’m in awe of the speed with which people who snore fall asleep.
Sometimes I get to work and wonder if I had an hr long absence seizure while getting dressed.
My kids are addicted to sweet tea and it’s all my fault.
If I were in charge of Oscar nominations the world would be a much different place.
I would love to make a movie about my life. But with my luck it would end up on Lifetime and not Showtime. That’s my nightmare.
Speaking of Lifetime, can I sue the network for bringing Leigh Ann Rhimes and Eddie Cibrian together? Every time I see a news story related to them it makes me puke in my mouth a little.
My kids smell fear.
When I grow up I wanna be a trust fund baby.
Cats are alien spies.
I thought I was a good mom. Then I started coaching. Now I know that compared to some others I’m a GREAT mom.
I’ve heard a lot about arsenic levels in rice, but has anyone heard, “…died yesterday due to arsenic from eating too much rice”?

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