Don’t Wake the Day Dreamer

Every once in a while (probably four times a day) I catch myself day dreaming.  {The rest of my day is spent not realizing I’m in a dream-like state in the daytime}.  What do I think of when I’m lost in day dreams?  Funny you should ask:

What if Joan Jett never cracked the music business and had to get a “real” job?  Would she eventually concede to the norms of society and wear cardigans and drive a minivan and volunteer to be the team mom for her kids’ soccer teams?  What would her job be?  Would she work at a bank?  Or would she be exactly as she is now and just not care?  Would she bust up in her kids’ school wearing chains, tats, and feathered hair?  Gosh, I hope so.

What if unicorns were real?  Would they use their horns as a defense mechanism?  Would they try to stab people with it?  That would be a bad dose of reality.

Doc: So, what brings you in to the ER today?  I’m going to assume it’s that gaping hole in your abdomen.

Me: I got stabbed by a unicorn.

Doc: Huh.  I thought unicorns were nice.

Me: Yeah.  Me, too.

Would you gain magical powers if you were stabbed by a unicorn and survived?  That might make it worth the pain…

What if the custom used for naming babies and pets was to allow kids to pick the name?  My little sister would be David Cholesterol.  My son’s name would be Flame.  My niece’s name would be Little Baby.  Our female Lab’s name would be Mr. Farty Pants.

If you notice I’m deep in thought, please interrupt me.  Because chances are, I’m not solving for Global Warming or the world’s energy crisis.  I’m considering a world in which dragons are the main mode of transportation.

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Determined Destiny

I just read a post about how to determine what you should be doing with your life.  It said to write down what you like to do.  Well, I like to do a lot of things. Maybe if I eliminate what I DON’T like to do, it’ll help. 

Here’s my first attempt.  I think I nailed it.

Traffic sucks.  I don’t like doing anything that requires traffic.  So driving to work is out.

www.ign.com

www.ign.com

Mean people suck.  I don’t like doing anything that requires mean people.  So driving to work is out.

Stupid sucks.  I don’t like doing anything that requires me to interact with stupid.  So driving to work is out.

My family doesn’t suck.

I don’t suck.

Funny doesn’t suck.

Most of my friends don’t suck.

Don’t question whether or not you suck.  That was a joke.

Starbucks doesn’t suck.

Alcohol doesn’t suck.

Too much alcohol definitely sucks.

The beach could never suck.

Unless there’s a hurricane.

Hurricanes suck.

The word “moist” sucks.

The word “suck” kind of sucks.  Really, it’s just weird.

Puppies don’t suck.

Puppy poo sucks.  Especially when it’s on the carpeted stairs.

Movies don’t suck.

Not true.  Some definitely suck.  Ever seen Satiricon?

Drugs suck.

Bad drivers suck. Slight tangent alert on my tangent: this point could be related to the first point above but not necessarily.

Flying rocks on the interstate that hit my new windshield suck.

Wait… I totally forgot why I’m doing this.  Something about finding my destiny… oh well.

Happy Tuesday!

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Guilt Share

The name “Geoff” confuses me. I get that it’s pronounced “Jeff” but I still internally say “Gee-Off” every time I see it.

I hate the guilt-share Facebook posts. “Like if you love Jesus”, “Share if you love your kids”… Stupid. Don’t guilt me into doing what you want. According to my inactions on Facebook I’m a wretched person who hates puppies…

daylandoes.com

daylandoes.com

I love taking quizzes on Buzzfeed but I don’t understand “Pick a Disney Villain” or “Pick a pet” or “Pick a favorite flower”. Why am I picking? Do I pick what I don’t like, what I do like, what I wish I were? Ugh…

Having almost black hair means that any time I use dry shampoo it has to be tinted so that it doesn’t look like I have cocaine in my hair. It also means I leave a trail of brown everywhere.

Why do my kids act like they’re being water boarded every time I wash their hair in the tub but happily dunk their heads in the water when I ask them not to get their hair wet???

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Random Intent

To anyone creating a “New Parent Boot Camp” I’d like to offer my children as Drill Sergeants.  Anyone who can discipline my kids with a straight face automatically graduates.

Rick: “Roman, why did you hit your sister??”

Roman: “Because.”

Rick: “Bella, honey, are you ok?  Roman! Tell her you are sorry!”

Roman: “I just farted.  I gonna play my dwums now.”

Me: “Bella, you’ve been in your room for 20 minutes!  We have to leave for school, why do you only have ONE SHOE ON???”

Bella: “Yesterday at school I had sausage for breakfast.  It was the color of wheat.”

I recently read an interview with the lead singer of Def Leopard about how aging rock stars still kick ass.  And he’s right.  My hubs and I saw Aerosmith a few months ago (my fave band EVER!) and they still ROCK.  At dinner Saturday night the SAME topic came up which lead to us pondering what it would be like if Axl Rose rolled out on stage in a Rascal… you know it’ll happen.  And I want to be there when it does.

Is it common knowledge that you should avoid a gas pump where someone is already using the pump on the other side, if possible?  Every time I pump gas in that situation the gas pumps sooooooo sloooooowly.  I feel like this might be something I’m supposed to know? Side note, you’d think I would have learned by now to go to another, unused pump.  Obviously, I need more time.

Another topic that came up Saturday night at dinner was Taylor Swift.  The hilarious consensus was that if you say you don’t like Taylor Swift, you’re lying to yourself.  After a brief survey over Facebook (the statistically accurate and scientifically accepted way to survey the populous now) it appears this hypothesis holds water.

That phrase makes me think of this:

youtube.com

youtube.com

Which makes me think of this:

ar15.com

ar15.com

Then I can’t stop laughing and my makeup runs and I look like a disaster and I need to go home because I’m useless for the rest of the day.

Happy Tuesday… I hope it has been random and pretty (pretty cray-cray!).

xoxo

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Questions Against Humanity

These are some of the questions that keep me up at night and the answers I have so far:

Have I told you lately that I love you?

Yes, you tell me all the time.

quickmeme.com

quickmeme.com

Do you wanna build a snowman?

No, I hate cold weather.

What’s love gotta do with it?

Nothing.  Let’s keep her out of this, shall we?

goodmorningtextmessages.blogspot.com

goodmorningtextmessages.blogspot.com

Are you gonna go my way?

No, Starbucks is the other direction so I’ll text you when I’m                     finished.

Who let tha dogs out?

Ma bad.

Why, Georgia, why?

Because.

What does the fox say?

I say, do it.  Thanks for thinking I’m foxy.  And for considering                   my input.

weirdnutdaily.com

weirdnutdaily.com.

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College Roommates Forever

massage-movement.co.uk

massage-movement.co.uk

My freshman year at UGA I had the most amazing roommate ever.  Someone I’d known since I was in the 5th grade.  We saw each other through middle school, high school, cheerleading, revenge pranks… we shared a special bond.  So it was fate when we chose to room together.

I knew we made the right choice when a pattern began to emerge during our frequent talks at 3am.

Me:  Kate!  You still awake?

Kate: Yep.

Me: What would you do if you walked in the room and all you saw were my feet inside the window and the rest of me was hanging out of the window?  And then when you looked down you saw I had a bag of oranges in my hand.  And you realized I got myself in this predicament all because of a bag of oranges?  Would you save me?

Kate: I’d open the window under the pretense of helping but really to see what happens.  What if I try to save you and grab your feet but then that pulls me out so I’m hanging by my feet, holding on to your feet and you still have the bag of oranges?  Then someone calls the fire department.

Me: Then 3 hot fire fighters show up and we each marry one.  One would be left over… that would be sad.

Kate:  I’ll take 2.

Me: You’d have to move.  But I’d move with you.  Just to see how that plays out.

Kate:  What would you do if you knocked on my door to borrow a cup of sugar and I answered the door dressed like a fairy princess and my firefighter husbands were both dressed like Peter Pan?

Me: I’d go back home and change into my costume.  But I wouldn’t tell you which one.  It would be a surprise.  Then I’d bust in your abode wearing a police costume and arrest you for being awesome.

Kate:  Something smells.

Me: Oh, that’s probably the old bowl of milk sitting on my desk.  It started off with me just being too lazy to take care of it but now it’s become an experiment.  Don’t touch it.

Kate:  I won’t.  I have my own experiment involving Chinese food in our fridge.

Me:  We should document this.  And turn it in to Myth Busters.

Kate:  That guy Adam is hot.

Me:  I like his hat.  Wait, is he the one with the hat?  Or is that the other one?  They’re both hot.

Kate:  Jon Stewart is hot.

Me:  Hells yeah he is.

And, thus, the humble beginnings of Tangent Tuesdays…

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Strong Suggestions

My favorite color is red. Maybe that’s why I’ve been “red flag” challenged in the past. I suggest we move to “face slaps” instead of “red flags” to note that someone should reconsider a decision. I know I would respond better to that.

If Tom Shane says something is “en vogue” I will not buy it. If he says something is “on trend” I will not buy it. I don’t trust a nasally white guy to tell me what is in style.

There is a city in Georgia named “McDonough”.  It is pronounced “mic-don-uh”, not “mic-dun-uh”. There is no “u” between the “d” and the “n”. While we are on the topic of pronunciations, water is pronounced “wah-ter” not “wutter” and deal is pronounced “dee-al” not “dill”. I could go on, but I’ll stop.

To all news outlets: please don’t interrupt me with breaking news that anyone who is older than 90 has died. That’s not breaking news. It’s a duh.

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Keep Your Head Up

Keep your head up.  Not so you can let your hair down.  So you can accurately counter Life’s punches with a kick to the throat.  AAAAAnd so that everyone can see how pretty you look while you kick arse.

I wonder if Mother Nature has sought treatment for her bipolar disorder…

There’s the way it’s supposed to be done, the way you tell me to do it, and the way I’m going to do it.

Washi tape is amazing.

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The Artist Formerly Known as Bea Arthur

I loved that Prince channeled his inner Bea Arthur at the Grammy’s.

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Bitch, please. fanpop.com

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Bitch, please. blogs.citypages.com


Does anyone else wonder why no adults found golden tickets in the Wonka Bars?

Why do celebrities feel the need to explain why they don’t have a nanny? Congratulations, you are actually taking care of your child like a normal person. I assume you want an Oscar?

Yesterday I heard a radio DJ say that Monty Python is no longer relevant because the humor is too intelligent for kids today. That tells me 2 things: 1) I’m irrelevant 2) I’m a genius.

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Get In My Head

The other day I saw a truck driving around Alpharetta.  Not unusual, right?  The strange part: on the back of the truck were the words: “DUDE!  Like, Jesus loves you… Ever think about that?”  Just seems to target a very specific audience.  I didn’t realize so many surfers lived in Alpharetta.  But hey, I’m sure they need Jesus, too.

Yesterday on my way home I saw a cop clocking people on the interstate.  Not weird.  Happens all the time at 5:30pm in gridlocked Atlanta traffic.  I’m sure he met quota with all the cars crawling along at 48 miles per hour.  Good job, Super Trooper.

This morning at Starbucks I was reading headlines.  One referenced a “UN Official”.  But I read it as “unofficial” and was pretty confused.  I must have been really tired because I read it, like, 4 times before I caught it.

There is an amazing new gelateria at Avalon.  We went Friday night.  However, misspellings were rampant.  And I got so annoyed that I almost couldn’t order.  Almost.  Then I realized that I’m probably the only person in Alpharetta, GA who can write Italian so I got over it.  Or did I???  I’m obviously still bothered by it.   Just write the flavors in English if you can’t spell Italian words!  OOOOOR, here’s a thought: GOOGLE!  Ugh.

OH!  And don’t ask me to send you directions anywhere.  Unless you are my grandmother.  I’ll gladly verbally direct Betty C. anywhere she would like to go.  Because she doesn’t have immediate access to Google.  For you, there is no excuse.  GOOGLE IT!  If you have the name for a venue, that’s all you need.  For reals.  I’m not your secretary.

I’m learning that when someone says, “Oh, but you don’t need to worry about that”.  I definitely do need to worry about that.

Since my surgery 2 weeks ago, any time my little man is acting out, I just show him my belly button and he shuts up.  Then runs away.  I’m thinking of trying it at work. Or with my hubs.

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