Some random thoughts for your Tuesday:
I recently signed up for Ancestry.com again. I signed up about 8 years ago but didn’t write stuff down so I forgot it all. So far I’ve learned that anything cool or dramatic that would have happened was covered up. By covered up I mean no one created a record for it. This sucks because THAT’S the stuff I want to know!
For example: my great-great-grandfather’s birth certificate doesn’t have a dad listed. And he was given his mother’s last name. HELLO!? Was his dad an ax murderer? Was he famous (not sure that existed in 1860 but whatever)? Was he a circus performer? I need to know!
I should just make something up. He was a stow-away from some exotic land. Rachel Dolezal proved you can make up whatever you want about yourself and if you emphatically declare it to be so, so it is.
Maybe he was an alien. That’s what Giorgio Tsoukalos from Ancient Aliens would say. I’m going to start marking “other” when I have to define my race. I’m half-human, half-alien. Disagree and I’ll call you racist.
“Um, I identify with the greys. It’s who I am on the inside. Maybe I wasn’t BORN an alien but I definitely feel more comfortable with Martians sooooo…”
For me, Pinterest is that friend who always has awesome clothes that they found at the thrift store and shredded, cut, and sewed their way to super cool awesomeness. They make it seem so easy. “Oh, yeah, I just took some scissors and cut here, here, and here.”
Yeah? Well I just created something that looks like a honey badger got stuck in a sack and tried to gnaw its way out. Then put it on my body. And promptly took it off and threw it in the trash can.
Or the friend whose hair always looks so cute, “oh, just braid your hair like you normally would and then put a bobby pin here, then braid more and put another one here, then you’re done.” Heck yes, I can do that. No, no I can’t. How does she do that with just two hands? I need at least five.
Sometimes I look at the instructions again thinking that I must have misread something. It’s nice to have that reference because before Pinterest I would have to call my friends a thousand times then sometimes they would just stop answering. Ok, they always stopped answering.
Side note: re-reading the instructions never works. However, this will not keep me from trying to make a burlap wreath for my front door. Stay tuned. I’m about to forgo buying a $60 wreath so I can spend $200 on supplies to not make one myself.
Did you hear the news? You can now be a life coach with just your Facebook page! Got Instagram? That works, too! Take the “humblebrag” to the next level. “I don’t normally do this, but my friends told me I should tell you how I can make you as awesome as I am.” Nuh-uh. That’s not what happened. You are proud of yourself. You think you did a great job. You think you’re amazing. Don’t try and church it up by blaming your friends. Own it. It’s ok. We all know.
Friday night we asked the kids where they wanted to have dinner, expecting the ush answers “Chick-Fil-A! Panera! Chipotle!” Nope. Not this time.
As in Ted’s Montana Grill.
When I was seven I had no idea that things got fancier than Applebee’s. Ricky Bobby must be from Conyers. The difference between Conyers, Georgia and Alpharetta, Georgia: Ted’s Montana Grill.
When I was in middle school a friend’s family took me to a super-fancy restaurant in Atlanta complete with valet parking. I almost had a heart attack because I thought we were getting car jacked. Cuz there’s no valet at Applebee’s.
Chicken fingers and extra honey mustard has been replaced with bison burgers. Bison. Bi-son.
My daughter obviously has the palate of an adult. This was confirmed yesterday when she tried to steal my prosciutto.
Two things I learned in Italy:
1) Gelato was created by God
2) So was prosciutto
3) So was wine
4) So was carbonara
5) And pesto
Ok, I learned more than two things. My point, I don’t share prosciutto. But she’s cute so I’ll share with her.