Everything you think you know about the “real world” is a lie

Everything you think you know about the “real world” is a lie.

{Probably propagated by a politician.  Or maybe the Illuminati… same thing, right?}

Not everything is fair, not everything is equal.

{MAAAAAAAAAA-OM!  Mom!  He got three pieces of gum and I only got twooooooo!}

Did you take three? Only you can limit yourself.  If you want three, take three.  Don’t take two then get mad when your brother gets three.

Sometimes those who should win don’t and sometimes those who shouldn’t win do.

Life is full of both opportunity and heartache.  You can pull yourself up or you can declare everything unfair.  But I’ve learned that the choice is mine.

I’ve competed in pageants, I was a cheerleader, and I was in a sorority.  I’ve pretty much done everything stereotypically anti-girl power that you can think of.  And, yes, these activities provided content for a “jock” younger sibling to ruthlessly make fun of me for it.  But it has prepared me for life.

{And, no, I didn’t wear fake hair, I didn’t duct tape my boobs together at age 5, or wear fake teeth on stage. 

I did, however, wear bloomers under my skirt when I cheered (never once “forgot” them), never made out with football player under the bleachers (or anywhere else… mostly because I don’t think any of them knew I was alive), and I never intentionally hurt anyone’s feelings for the sake of being mean in high school.  I was intentionally mean to those who were mean to me first.  Cuz that makes it right.  

In college I was actually there to get an education, not an MRS degree, and I didn’t spend every weekend in a drunken stupor.  It was every other weekend.  And I only went to class while drunk one time.  Ok, twice.  Three times.  No, that was just buzzed.  Two times.}

When I was a micro-human I saw my first Miss America pageant.  I was probably two.  Because by the age of three I’d convinced my mom to sign me up so that I, too, could wear makeup and twirly dresses on a stage surrounded by clapping and adoring fans.

I quickly realized that it wasn’t just something that you show up for so that everyone could cheer for you.  These girls were competing!  Sure, I wanted a crown but apparently not as much as these MOMs did!  You’ve seen the shows on TV.  It’s really like that.  I didn’t do many of them but I showed up to a few pageants until I was 19.  Some I won, some I didn’t.  But I learned some lessons that are still paying off.

The lessons I leaned while competing in pageants:

  • Girls are ruthless
  • They learn it from their moms
  • Stage presence is everything. You can win in a $25 dress.  You can lose even though you are the “prettiest”.   Composure and grace will win {almost} every time
  • Some judges are unqualified to judge a pageant but their scores still count
  • And tantrums don’t change the numbers
  • Wit and quick thinking under pressure are essential

{I also learned that baton dropping twirling while singing “Dixie” out of key is considered talent.}

Along the same thought process, I REALLY wanted to wear a cheerleading uniform.  So I tried out.  Didn’t make it.  Realized I should try next time.  It’s amazing what happens when you try.

Lessons I learned while cheerleading:

  • Girls are ruthless
  • They learn it from their moms
  • Without trust people get hurt
  • One person’s bad day can throw off the whole squad
  • Hard work and team work pays off
  • The coach can make or break a season
  • It hurts to fall from a stunt onto your back on concrete. The second time hurts worse.

My first semester at UGA I wasn’t in a sorority.  I thought I’d organically make friends in class and for the most part I did.  But I was intrigued by the idea of sororities.  No one in my family had been a part of it in the past so I wanted to give it a shot.  I went through rush and pledged AOPi.

The lessons I learned during my time as an AOPi:

  • Girls can be awesome
  • They learn it from their moms
  • Friendships can form in unexpected ways
  • You will always be judged, even when you don’t realize it
  • Connections are invaluable

How does this apply to the real world, you ask?

Ever interviewed for a job?  Ever had a job that required networking?  Ever been in a relationship?  Ever breathed?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, you too could benefit from the life lessons learned by these “vile” activities.

For example, I’ve been in the workforce long enough to have been through my fair share of interviews.   I’ve conducted countless interviews and I’ve been interviewed more times than should be allowed.  Job interviews are one big pageant.  Check the nerves, stay calm, know what the judges are looking for and answer the questions you are asked in an intelligent manner.  That’s all you have to do.  The rest is up to the judges.

{Sometimes those judges are conducting interviews over the phone.  Sometimes they begin inhaling Oreo cookies during that phone interview so loudly it sounds like an ant eater is sucking them up through a vacuum hose.  Then they inhale milk.  And you can’t laugh because you want a job.  But you can IM your friends.}

Throughout my adult life I have had wins and losses.  Some wins I didn’t deserve.  Some wins I did deserve but didn’t get.  I could have thrown a tantrum.  But it wouldn’t have changed the numbers.

Or at least it didn’t for me that one time.

To get by in life there will be times when you have to depend on other people.  Some of those people will let you fall.  Let’s just say those are the people who won’t make the squad next season.

Conversely, some of the people you meet would take the hit so you don’t fall.  You trust these people to toss you up in the air as high as they can and you would trust them 100% to catch you.  These people will have your trust for the rest of your life.  They are the “keepers”.  And they get to judge tryouts next season.

Everywhere in life, in work, at home, in the community we all have times when we have to work together to be successful.  I’ve learned the hard way that marriage takes both parties being committed 100% of the time.  I’ve learned that parenting is much more successful when the parents can gang up on their kids as a team.

Roman comes upstairs: Mom, can I have chocolate milk?
Me: Sure, honey.
Roman: Yes!
Rick follows him upstairs: Uh, why did you say “yes”?  I just told him “no”. 
Me: Huh?}

It works much better when I say, “Have you already asked your dad?”  9.95 times out of 10, he has and his dad has told him “no”.  See?  Team work.  Parents = 1, Kids = 0.

Don’t be a judgy person by judging people just because you discovered they were cheerleaders or sorority girls.  We might surprise you.  And you might just learn something from us.

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You’re as Smart as Any Boy

Yesterday I read a report that Joe Biden told a group of young female coders that they are as smart as any boy.  Four years ago that would have sent me off in a tirade about how men are stupid dumbasses and women clean up their messes, fix their problems, and hand them their balls.

But, times have changed for me.  I now have an adorable three-year old son and an amazing, supportive husband who are my examples of strong male intellect.  And, I don’t want my daughter to grow up thinking that a strong, supportive, smart man doesn’t have a place in her life.

{It’s the insecure, manipulative douchebags that will die if they look at her.}

So, instead of an impulsive, sharp-tongued tirade, I offer you the following ten items as my long-pondered, calmly-typed thoughts on the topic of female intelligence as compared to that of the male population:

  1. Not all men choose to be stupid. Not all women choose to be smart.

{Obligatory exclusion clause.}

  1. The men and women who are not smart should be forced to become asexual because I vote to kick the women out of my lady club and I don’t want dumb men in my daughter’s future dating pool.

{Let’s just ship them all to the mysterious location of the doomed Malaysia Airlines flight 370 and be done with it.}

  1. Joe Biden must see himself as a half black, half Native American transgendered disabled woman. {No brackets needed.}
  2. I haven’t made up my mind about a female president. Not because I don’t think it’s a good idea but I know I would not make a good president of anything, especially the US.  Iran would end up with a baseball bat to the headlights of his nicest car, beaten naked with a shower curtain rod and left crying in the fetal position the first time he lied to me about a nuke program.

{Not kidding.  Try me.}

  1. To all the men who think they are superior to women, there is a highly intelligent woman somewhere manipulating you.

{I shall call him… Pinocchio.}

  1. The day we stop talking about gender equality is the day we are all seen as equal.

{She goes to MIT!  She must be smart.  Or MIT needed more female enrollment numbers… thanks, Affirmative Action!}

  1. Can a woman call herself a Republican without being called ditzy or a heartless beeatch?

{Cuz I don’t want to be in the same club as Nancy Pelosi.  Never mind.  I’ll just be a GDI.}

  1. I wear low-cut shirts not to temp you but to laugh at your weakness and steal your stuff while you are distracted.

{Using what I have to get what I want… that’s not stupid.  That’s resourceful.}

  1. You never hear of a successful woman being toppled by all the men she’s sexually assaulted and silenced with hush money.

{Well, he SAID “no” but his eyes said “YES!”}

  1. Eve is proof that God knew men needed help to get by.

{I personally think Adam ate the fruit and threw Eve under the apple-shaped bus, but whatever.} 


I love strong, supportive, intelligent men and I need them in my life.  My husband has shown me incredible things and compliments me wonderfully.

{And because he is one of the rare amazing ones I don’t make a big deal when he comes home with a TV the size of a train that will also cook us dinner and shake a mean martini.}

Bottom line:

Girls don’t need you telling them that they are as smart as any boy.  They need you to shut up and let them code a virus to crash Joe’s computer.

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