Is Butt-Ebola a Thing?

Today was a fun day. I arrived to work on time for a 9 am meeting. Gross. Could we all agree as one nation under God that meetings should only take place between the hours of 10 am and 11:30 am or 2 pm and 4:30 pm? Can we make that a thing? Ugh. I’m just sayin’ I need time. In the morning I need time to understand where I am and in the afternoon I need time to digest what all just happened. So… just sayin’.

Anyway. Meeting at 9. Blah, blah, blah. It was over around 10. By then I’d finished off a venti vanilla iced coffee and I had to pee. Bad. No problem! My new office has very lovely bathrooms. Coming from a company with shatty bathrooms (literally), I welcome the upgrade in lavatory quality.

As with most restrooms these days (I suspect to keep at bay the mysterious “toilet-seat-to-ass-STD” epidemic that we’ve all been warned of even though I’ve never met anyone who said, “Hi, I’m Gary, I got the clap from a toilet”) my office offers free paper toilet seat covers. I’m positive they’re only free cuz men need them, too. If they didn’t, we’d have to pay a quarter like we do for tampons. “Sorry, Sharon. I can’t give you a tampon for free. Shouldn’t you know your body by now? I mean, you’re 37- What? I don’t know what fibroids are. My dad has hemorrhoids. Same-sies? No? Look, sorry, but we gotta reduce overhead. Can’t you just shove some TP up there or something?”

Now, what you might not know is that I’m at war with these wood-based bastards. (Just to be clear, I’m at war with seat covers, not frugal men who refuse us free feminine hygiene products). Can these covers not stay in place? Is it too much to ask? They have ONE JOB! Just one! By the time I put it down and unlatch my trousers the seat cover has fallen in the toilet, thus not having held up its end of the bargain, and now I have to repeat the process. Time. Wasted. But I have a new process. And today I tried it out for the first time.

Today… wait for it… I unhooked my pants FIRST! Did I just blow your mind? Cuz this was about to revolutionize my bathroom experience. So with my pants around my shins, holding them with one hand so as to keep them from hitting the floor, I used my other hand to carefully yank the paper ass-barrier and awkwardly lay it over the seat, using my elbow to unfold the part that inconveniently overlapped at the very last minute.

And as I turned to blindly back that ass up and simultaneously sit down, the automatic flush sucked the seat cover into the abyss. That’s right. I sat down just as the seat cover said, “bitch, bye” and left me to my own devices. Of which I had none.

You know when you ask for a sweet tea at a restaurant and you get a coke but both liquids are dark and look the same in that red cup and you take a sip and life no longer makes sense? That’s what happened to my ass. It expected paper warmth and protection. It received the cold angst of exposure. So I have Ebola of the Butt now. I’m pretty sure it’s a thing. And I’m pretty sure it’s on my butt. Believe you me, if my organs liquify and fall out of my body holes, someone will receive a very strongly-worded letter.

Anyway. Kinda killed my vibe today. I was sure I won the war. And the toilet said, “Not today, biatch!” I feel so defeated. I was sure to be the victor. Now I know how Hillary Clinton felt on election night. Ugh. At least I’m not wearing that gross pants suit.

On a high note, I ate a turkey burger today.

Stay pretty, my friends.

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Absurd Things I Think About When Getting a Massage

Things I Think About When Getting a Massage

A few days ago, a co-worker won one of those “drop your business card in the fishbowl and you could win lunch for your whole office” things (I know, I thought the same thing! People DO actually win those, I guess!). She was so generous and made sure that all of us had to opportunity to enjoy the delicious pizza along with TWENTY-MINUTE CHAIR MASSAGES!!!! What?! Sign. Me. Up.

When it was my turn I walked into the same conference room that normally houses mundane and verbose meetings. However, for my twenty-minute chair massage it was a heavenly oasis in the middle of the desert where no relaxation is found. Quiet music, dimmed lights… if not for the meeting table, white board, and executive meeting chairs I would have never known it was the same room. I walked around all of those horrible reminders to find my massage chair, said hello to my new favorite best friend masseuse and sat down. For the next twenty minutes I had an internal dialogue with myself that I realize in hindsight may not be normal, but then again, I can’t be the only one. So if you find yourself with the following thoughts during your next massage, know you aren’t alone:

  1. “Oh, that’s nice… wait, did I just make a porn noise?”
  2. “OUCH! IT HURTS SO GOOD!!!! That’s what she said.”
  3. “OMG I think she’s crushing my larynx. Is that what that is? I don’t really know where my larynx is. I’m gonna die not knowing how. What do I tell Janis Joplin and Amy Winehouse when they ask me why I’m dead? Can’t. Breathe. Boutta pass out.”
  4. “She’s close to pushing my face through this face hole! Can that happen? I think we’re about to find out! What would she do?! OMG that would be hil-arious. Could I get workers’ comp? I wonder if I could get a free week off of work. Kind of like in college if you got hit by a bus you get an auto 4.0 GPA. Would I get a free one of these in the future for my trouble? I could deal with that. Would the fire department have to come? I bet that’s happened before.”
  5. “That music. I wonder if my kids would immediately go to sleep if I played it at home. I need to ask what music that is so I cannnnn zzzzzz”
  6. {Wakes up abruptly} “Did I just fart or was that the chair?? OMG please tell me it was the chair. Ugh, not the chair.”
  7. “HOW WAS THAT 20 MINUTES?! I WANT A RECOUNT!”
  8. Really, how am I supposed to be productive after that? I can’t work under these conditions.

Getting a massage is so relaxing for me. But obviously not so relaxing that my crazy mind shuts off for me. How bout you? Any absurdities run through your mind during a massage? Please tell me I’m not the only one.

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How to Workout with Kids

For those of you who have kids and want to start a fitness journey, or for those of you who just wonder how moms juggle family, work, obligations, AND stay in shape, me too. I’m curious, too. Since I became a mom almost 9 years ago, I think I’ve tried to get back in shape more times than my 5 year old has asked me for gum this afternoon (that’s, like, a LOT of times). You wanna know how many times I’ve been successful? Um… once. But it didn’t last long.

Over Christmas this year I decided I was going to do it again. But for real this time. Each year my office closes between Christmas and New Year so it was the perfect time. I’d be home. I’d cleanse my diet. I’d restart my body. Trick it to think it doesn’t want that massive piece of chocolate cake from the grocery store, like I trick my kids to think that Chick-Fil-A doesn’t sell ice cream on the week days. It’d be so super easy. I even have everything I need at home in the form of workout DVDs. Bam.

Day one was AWE-SUM. It was great. My kids are obviously now old enough for me to reason with.

“Kids, I’m going to be in the basement for 20 minutes to workout. Everyone has snacks and drinks, everyone is good, right?”
“Yes, Mommy! We’re good!”
“OK! I’m going to close the door so that the dogs don’t come down but if you need me, you can come get me, OK?”
“OH KAAAAY!”
“But if you come downstairs, please don’t let the dogs down.”

Y’all, hand to Heaven I got 20 minutes with my Piyo DVD. It was so refreshing and I felt so alive. I was all,

“I got this. This time tomorrow I’ll be down to my fighting weight. Just to make sure I’ll have a smoothie for my after-snack snack.”

The next day was fairly similar.   Got ma fit-nass on (please read that as “own” for dramatic effect). BAM! But… It didn’t last long. Pretty soon, I was getting maaaybe 10 minutes in before Pandora opened her shatty box of cray-zee, Roman opened the basement door to demand I help him put on my gold pants (because he thinks they make him look like Slash), and our 50-lb lab, Georgia, came FLYYYYYYY-ing down the stairs and tackled me while I was attempting to perfect my push-ups which meant I was at the perfect height on the floor for my Chihuahua, Lola, to lick me up the nose. Yes, UP the nose. Her tongue is so long and slender that it actually fits UP MY NOSE.

Then Roman wanted to play the drums for me while I worked out. But I couldn’t hear the lovely Chalene Johnson! I asked him to play quietly but then he started crying because Guns n Roses doesn’t play the drums quietly! So that finished that day. Subsequent attempts were even worse… so I finally gave up. And by “finally” I mean by the third day.

“Oh, I know!” I naively thought to myself, “I’ll sign up for the special I saw on Facebook for the Krav Maga combat fitness classes! Three classes for $20. Done. I’m so gonna rock this. If I pay for it I’ll totally do it cuz I don’t wanna waste money!”

I took the first class on the last Wednesday before going back to work. Class started at 6. I had to wait for my hubs to get home from work to relieve me from my parenting duties so I was runnin’ a little late! Sue me! Weeeell, they very well may. Someone from the studio called me to make sure I was coming. I got there at 6:05. Intense. “Something tells me we’re not in LA Fitness anymore.”

I was the only person in the class who had never done it before. Everyone in the class… EVERYONE had on shirts and pants with the studio logo on it. I busted up in there in a hot pink sports bra, yoga shirt, and bright running tights. Like, have you ever gone to a costume party only to realize you need to stop at the store on the way so you’re walking through Target dressed like a giant poo emoji? Yeah. That was me.

And I was totally lost. Like a female pro bowler trying to be a Lakers Cheerleader. Lost like that. I loved it but felt totally lost. It was a great workout. But I knew that once work started back I wouldn’t be able to make those classes without, at best, being 10 minutes late. The schedule just didn’t match mine.

I realized something over the break. I’ve been going about this “all-or-nothing” for so long… it’s not fair. Not fair to me. So I’m going to do my best. Some days my best might mean I eat 1300 healthy calories and a refuse that break-room cupcake. Some days I may kill those 1300 calories by breakfast. Oops. But it’s about being more aware of my choices and creating realistic expectations for myself.

Do I want my abs to come back to me? Yes. Do I want to take care of myself? Yes. But I also know that with the kids’ schedules, my schedule, and my husband’s schedule, sometimes it’s all I can do to get them in bed before I fall asleep in the hallway on the way back to my room. Step by step, choice by choice, I’ll get where I need to be.

What do you do to take care of yourself?

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Life’s Bright Side

Sometimes life gets the better of us no matter how hard we try to have it all and keep it all together. I’ve learned to see the bright side of things over the years. That’s really the purpose of this blog: to share the bright side of the sometimes bad side of life. And my bright side is your bright side because we’re all pretty. Here’s a list of my life lessons so far:

  1. Sometimes my son wants to wear my leather pants out of the house because he thinks he’s a rock star. If I don’t let him wear MY pants to dinner out, he tells me I’m mean. And maybe I am. Maybe I’m a horrible parent for that. But at least I’m pretty.
  2. I once got lost in a circle. A circle. Yes, you read that correctly. Sometimes I can’t find my way but that’s ok. Because at least I’m pretty.
  3. I have a very foul mouth and no filter. I would say I try but I don’t. Life’s too short to be someone you’re not. And I’m unfiltered. And pretty. Unfiltered and pretty.
  4. My husband is twice my size. He has muscles for days. On a vacation a few months ago I out ate him in crab legs. And the only reason I stopped is because there was no more to eat. I was still hungry. I don’t know if he was amazed, scared, or disgusted. Maybe all three. Yes, I have weaknesses but at least I’m pretty. For now. Until these crab legs catch up with me and I turn into one.
  5. I oversell things I like. I also oversell myself. I’m hoping it works like The Secret, where I put things out into the universe and they happen? No? Whatever. At least I’m pretty. Well, attractive. Ok, I’m average-looking. Let’s just say I do the best with what I’ve got.
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How to Plan a Party

Y’all, I just threw a housewarming party for about 100 people at my house over the weekend. Gasp! Still seems surreal. I don’t think I’ve had a “party” at my house since my 3rd grade birthday when I had 13 girls over to spend the night and my little sister got locked in the closet. And someone gave me a live rabbit. Without asking my parents. And it wasn’t my house (it was my parents’, so…).  But this weekend was SO FUN! Was it crazy? Yes. Could I have been better prepared? Yes. So if you’re thinking of having a party of any size in the future, keep reading. I learned some things that, I’m hoping, will be helpful for you in being prepared and saving money, regardless of the size of party you’re having.

Now, I’m NOT a Type-A person. I’m more Type-Meh. Not because I don’t want things to be perfect. That’s actually WHY I can’t be Type-A about it. I’m a typical perfectionist. If everything can’t be perfect, I don’t wanna do it. If I can’t workout 7 days a week for an hour, I will throw my hands up in disgust and declare my life a failure. (Dramatic, I know. It’s who I am.) But I’m trying to be more methodical, deliberate, and organized in life so that the world sees I DO have work ethic, lol.

I know that not everything will be perfect for the party so I can’t expect anything to be. Remember how I’m an expert “winger”? It serves me well where it relates to stress. I tend to be pretty laid back in these situations given what’s about to happen and figure, “if something doesn’t get done, it’ll be ok.” No one will die, right? I mean, unless I have some kind of crazy poison out on the cabinet listed as punch, but I don’t make poison any more so…. But I do want my guests to have a fun experience from the moment they walk onto my property until they walk off. Or are carried off. I don’t judge.

I knew Pinterest would be my friend. So I started researching party ideas waaaay ahead of time. I made a list of high-level TO-DO’s in the beginning that I kept with me at all times and added more detail as the planning progressed. Here’s my high-level list:

  1. Theme
  2. Guest List
  3. Food
  4. Drinks
  5. Entertainment
  6. Party Favors

I would take a picture of the ACTUAL list and show you but what ended up happening was that I would be at work and have an epiphany and make a note for my list on my work notes. So instead of having ONE MASTER LIST (cuz I supposedly kept it with me all the times, right? WRONG. I lose stuff sometimes.) I had one mommy list and a litter of baby lists. Don’t do that. Halfway through I realized that one thing I ALWAYS have is my phone. Insert list. By keeping my list on my phone it was all right at my fingertips. Let’s review:
Lesson 1: list your to-dos

Lesson 2: put the list in your phone. Unless you’re Amish. Or lose your phone a lot and don’t back it up. Or you’re in prison. But then you prolly won’t be throwing parties. Maybe, I don’t know. I haven’t seen the latest season of Orange is the New Black so I could be missing something. Anyway, back to party planning.

The theme was easy for me. First of all, I wanted the party to be welcoming and comfortable. Not pretentious or stuffy. Also, I LOVE to dress up in costumes. LOVE IT. It’s Christmas time ‘round these parts so I immediately decided on an Ugly Christmas Sweater party. Fun, festive, as unpretentious as you can get. If someone doesn’t wanna dress up or for some reason can’t, no biggie. Let’s do it.  As for decorations that match your theme, Lesson 3: go to Amazon.  Feel free to shop around, but ALWAYS CHECK AMAZON.COM.  Chances are, you’ll find what you’re looking for at amazing prices.

The guest list. For this party, the guest list was simple. I wanted to have all of our friends, family, and neighbors over as a way to say “Thank You” for their support and help with the move. I wanted everyone who has made a positive impression on our lives in our house so we could celebrate them.  That’s what this was about. I’m positive I didn’t include everyone. As hard as I tried not to leave anyone out, I’m sure I did. You know what that means!!!  ANOTHER PARTY!!!

My hubs and I got married in Vegas with just my bestie and her super-awesome hubs. We always expected to have a reception and celebrate with everyone when we got home and things “settled” down. Breakin’ News: “Settled” doesn’t exist. So, in a way, I saw this as our chance to celebrate everything that’s happened over the past 6 years. Our engagement, our wedding, our first house, our babies, our second house, our friends, our new rescue dog, my new shoes… wait. I’m off track again. Anyway, I figured maybe half of the people we invited would be able to make it. I was wrong. All but about 5 families were able to take time out of their schedules during the holidays to help us celebrate. That’s a reason to celebrate in and of itself.

Next up, FOOD. I severely under budgeted. In my Type-Meh mind I assumed that buying tons of food would some how equate to a cheaper per person rate. In case you’re wondering, it doesn’t. I also thought that having heavy hors d’oeuvres would be a good idea. They’re little, they’re filling, and they’re prolly much more economical. Not true on the economical part. So if you’re trying to decide how much to budget for catering a party, Lesson 4: plan on $15 USD per person as an average. Going with hors d’oeuvres can increase that to about $18 per person if you’re using good, quality caterers, which is definitely the way to go. Don’t skimp on the food.

In keeping with the laid back atmosphere I was aiming for, I went with BBQ. It was delicious. The kind of delicious that makes you wonder if there’s crack in it. If you happen to be located in the Atlanta, GA area, ‘Cue BBQ is AH-MAH-ZING. I called them up at the Milton location, got a quote, Julie was extremely helpful and patient, answering all of my questions and giving me time to shop around. She even suggested food amounts given the expected number of guests. In the end, there was plenty of food, some left over, and people are still stopping me to thank me for the delicious food and to tell me how much they love ‘Cue. All in, tip included (that’s what she said), it was just over $12 per person. Not bad at all.

For appetizers, I highly suggest Costco if you’re doing them yourself. If you don’t have a membership, find someone who does, someone who won’t steal your money, and get them to buy frozen appetizers from Costco. For $11 USD per box you can get 48 Mediterranean-style tapas and for the same price, 100 assorted appetizers like pigs in a blanket, chicken and mushroom turnovers, and potato puffs. Just pop them in the oven and voila. Well, it felt like “voila”. Easy and tasty, just like me.

Here’s the next lesson: Lesson 5: You’ll need to bake the appetizers about 45 minutes prior to the guests coming over if you are doing them yourself. Luckily, my mom and aunt showed up early because there is NO WAY I could have done this without them. They totally took care of that for me so I could finish getting ready. Next time, I’ll bake them about an hour ahead of time and prepare to either keep them warm in the oven or have a chafing dish ready to keep them warm. Trying to get ready and finish up the details was not something I could do on my own. And as wonderful as my husband was at getting things done, he was focused on the “man things” like the yard.  Another lesson I learned but won’t number: check the oven before you turn it on. My husband stuck the pizzas for the kids (boxes and all) in the oven to keep them warm and I almost burned down our home. Oops.

Drinks. Ah, drinks. I knew I wanted to serve a drink to the adults as they came in.  I found an apple cider mimosa drink that I thought was festive and fun.  Done.  All I needed were champagne flutes.  Amazon.com had a pack of 48.  Done.  Lesson 5: don’t skimp by purchasing cheep champagne flutes.  The bottoms kept falling off and they were really flimsy.  Get the good ones that arrive assembled in one piece.

I was totally lost about how much alcohol to get. So, I did what any self-respecting unprepared female does… I consulted Pinterest. And Pinterest lied. I thought it would be my friend and it let me down. The chart I found stated that for 30 people, you should have 16 bottles of wine, 3 cases of beer, and 5 bottles of liquor. Done. We were expecting about 55 adults and I’m in charge of the wine. I’m gonna knock this OUT. So I just doubled the suggested amount of wine. AAaaand I had about 20 bottles left over. Good news: just like a good casserole, it’ll stay. (Get the Zoolander reference? No? Dam. Oh, well.) I have enough for several more parties. Several. I also made 2 types of sangria (Pomegranate and Wicked Apple) and a pre-dinner drink, Apple Cider Mimosas. Overboard? Maybe. Necessary? Yes. Lesson 6: Include other cocktails in your drink count and for a party of 55 people, you’ll only need about half of what Pinterest says. Cuz Pinterest lies.

Lesson 7: Set up the non-alcoholic drinks and plenty of water. Cuz I forgot. What had happened wuz that I thought my hubs had grabbed them out of my car. He hadn’t. And I was too preoccupied to realize it until guests started asking for it. Oops. Also, make sure you CLEARLY label what is alcoholic and what isn’t.

Entertainment. One thing we did that I think was well received: we had sitters over to help watch the kids. There were only 2 of them for about 45 kids so I just asked them to try to make sure no one gets hurt or hurts the house. Honestly, we could have used a few more people to help them out because I know it wasn’t an easy job. But the parents didn’t have to worry about finding and paying for a sitter and they could enjoy themselves knowing that their kids were safe and right downstairs. If you’re inviting the kids, include some things that are age appropriate for them to do so that they aren’t released into the wild and left to their own devices. We had coloring books, crafts, and movies to keep them busy. And at some point Nerf guns. So we all felt safe.

As for the adults, football, music/movies, alcohol, and A PHOTOGRAPHER. Y’all, if you’re having a party of significance, I suggest getting a photographer to take good, professional pics. Laura Breese in Atlanta is awesome. She used to take care of my babies so I know she’s trustworthy and she happens to take a damn good picture. You don’t have to worry about carrying around your phone hoping to get pictures of everything. Believe me, she captured moments and images I would never have thought to get. She even offered to take family pics for our guests in front of our tree for anyone who wanted them for cards or whatever.

As guests left, I wanted them to have something useful that they could keep as a way to say “Thank you for coming” (that’s ALSO what she said). Since it was a housewarming party, I was looking for something that brought that to mind. I found an antique skeleton key bottle opener on Amazon. PERFECTION. A simple, small token with a practical use. I ordered a box of 50, a little apprehensive that we might not have enough. We were expecting about 55 adults and I wasn’t sure if each adult would take one or if they would take one per family. My biggest fear throughout this whole planning process was that we wouldn’t have enough of something. I wanted to do this right and not skimp on anything. Turns out, we had a good number left over. I wrote a little note to attach to each and boom. Done.

Overall, I measured success by the number of smiles I saw, laughs I heard, and hugs I received.  It was a great night.  One I hope I never forget.  And I’d do it again in a heartbeat.  If you’re reading this and you are one of the ones who came out, I hope you enjoyed it and I can’t wait to do it bigger and better next time. (That’s what she said).  If you’ve read this to get prepared for a party you’re planning, I hope this helps.  Let me know how it goes!

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Comedy Birthday Show with Darren Knight

Two nights ago I took my mom to see Darren Knight (AKA, Southern Momma) for her 21st birthday so she could live my dream of becoming a standup comedian. {Yes, I have a young mom.  We’re from backwoods Mississippi, don’t judge}.
It was just the two of us, which is a treat in and of itself, and the night did NOT disappoint. I even came away with a surprise new girl-crush!

For those of you who don’t know who Darren Knight is, he’s an overnight Facebook comedy sensation who parodies moms from the south and, having a southern momma myself (and being one), I can tell you that his impersonation is spot on. It was an evening full of me elbowing my mom to say, “OH EM GEE, VICKI! It’s like he’s my long lost brother or somethin’!”

If you weren’t raised by a southern mom, you may not realize how “moming” in the south follows a pattern. One I know I’ve picked up along the way.

For example, if you need to talk to your kids, you yell out what you’re gonna say. Sure, you can speak in a normal tone but your kids will ignore you. Then it’ll take a five minute dance of:

Me: Bella, could you please pick your book up off the floor so Georgia doesn’t eat it?

Bella:

Me: BELLA! Did you hear me?

Bella:

Me: CANDY!

Bella: HUH?

Me: OH, SO YOU DO HEAR ME?! I KNOW YOU HEARD ME TELL YOU TO PICK YOUR STUFF UP OFF THE FLOOR! WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO YELL?! DO YOU LIKE IT WHEN I’M CRAZY? NO! NO ONE LIKES ME WHEN I’M CRAZY BUT Y’ALL DON’T LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SPEAK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON! DON’T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN!

Bella: Gosh, mom, you don’t have to yell.

So, instead, and to save us all the pain of living through what you just read, I yell, “BELLA! PICK YOUR SHAT UP OFF THE FLOOR RIGHT NOW OR I TURN OFF THE TV AND THROW AWAY THE REMOTE!” And she picks up her stuff.

Another example:

Clothes. My kids go through clothes like their little bodies are covered in sandpaper. And they love to wear their BEST clothes to play in. Cuz they’re purdy. But then when it’s time for church or a wedding or Thanksgiving dinner or bailin’ Uncle Mikey outta jail for that meth lab again, all their best clothes have holes in them and stains on them and prolly missing a sleeve. So to preemptively solve the problem, I make them take off their “church clothes” as soon as they come in the door. “Putchur play clothes own!” I yell as their sweet little booties walk in the house. Now, of course I have to fish the nice clothes out of the hamper and now they’re all wadded up and wrinkled, but at least I know they aren’t shredded by the rambunctious little honey badgers I call my children.

Darren Knight has observantly captured all of this. And those of us who survived sourthern mommas and those of us who are now southern mommas can all relate beautifully.

The best part of having a southern momma is that she’s always gotchur back. When you’re the child of a southern momma you know that if you’re wronged by someone (even your daddy), your momma will “take care” of the situation, much like Tony Soprano “took care” of his business. Alternatively, if you ain’t actin’ right with the Lord, you know your momma will also “take care” of the situation. Be right with the Lord. That’s all we’re askin’. Mainly that part that says, “Honor thy mother”, AKA do what we say and don’t ask questions.

His standup is different than the videos. If you’re expecting him to stand up on stage and perform an hour of Southern Momma skits, you’ll be disappointed. But if you go in with the expectation of a true stand-up routine, you’ll get lots of laughs.

There were 3 comedians that opened for him. The first one was Gary Cargal. I didn’t really relate to his material but he got a lot of laughs from the crowd. He’s a regular on the Atlanta comedy scene which is great to see. 

The second comedian was a woman who goes by the stage name “Red Squirrel”. Y’all, she’s HILAROUS. I may have laughed more with her than with Darren. She’s little, she’s spunky, and she is crude without you realizing it! She’s my new girl-crush for sure. If you have time to internet stalk anyone today, I highly recommend you waste your time on this chick. The third comedian was Rocky Dale Davis. He’s a young comedian and he’s pretty funny, too. He’s starting to gain traction as a performer so I’d say go see him now.

After the show there was a meet and greet with all of the comedians. Now, y’all need to understand something about my mom. She has this habit of making a bee-line for the door when an event is over. Vicki don’t play. And she walks SUPER FAST. I’m 5’2”. I couldn’t walk fast if I were escaping zombies and into the arms of chocolate wine. So I’m always behind her. She was already out the door and I notice someone smiling at me out of the corner of my eye. Y’ALL, IT WAS RED SQUIRREL!!!!! I geek out, because I’m me, and like a giddy school girl yell out, “OH MY GOD YOU’RE SO FUNNY!” Then I realize I’m being loud and stupid and bring it down a notch to ask, “Can I please get a picture with you?” She was SO nice! So that made my night. As you can see, I was so excited that my hands were shaking. See??

red-squirrelThe selfie will forever commemorate that. #yay. Do y’all geek out over meeting anyone, or is it just me?

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