There Goes the Mommy-hood

{There is a knock on the door.  A woman with a fake-looking disheveled blonde bob, wearing a miss-buttoned cardigan and pearls is standing on the other side when you answer.  Aaaand she may or may not have just hiccupped.}

Hi!  I’m Tiphi!  It’s short for Tiffany with a “ph” and an “I” just to be annoying. Welcome to the mommy-hood!  We are all so happy you moved in.  It’s a great place to live, really.  I would have baked you a cake or some cookies but I’m so lit exhausted that at times my husband thinks I’m dead.  So…..

Anything you need please holler!  We are all very supportive of each other here. 

{Unless you do really weird things with your kids.  Then we will all make fun of you.  Also, don’t sell on my turf poach my babysitter.  Or look at my husband.  And if you drop the baby weight quicker than I did, I’ll stab you in the throat.}

A little info to help you fit in:

All of the mommies in our mommy-hood only give our kids gluten-free, grass-fed, paleo-approved organic tofu, sugar-free bamboo shoots, and unwaterized water. 

{You’ll want to do the same or your kid will be ostracized by all of us and no one will let their kids play with yours.}

Also, have you thought about pre-pre-pre-pre k yet?  What am I saying, of course you have!!!  (fake laugh, fake laugh, fake laugh).  I started my Buphi (Buffy with a “ph”) at 9 days old.  I held her back because I wanted to wait until she was ready to learn.  I didn’t want to push her.  She goes to the Academy of the Sacred Saint Tiger Moms.  It’s pretty competitive but I’m sure you already know that!  (fake laugh, fake laugh, fake laugh).  Soooooo…. 

I have a fantastic nanny that I found through  I highly recommend them.  Being a mom is SEW EXHAUSTING.  You’re going to need help.  Like just yesterday my nanny’s assistant’s secretary picked my Buphi up from school, Latin lessons, swimming, karate, cello, chess, and fencing and the little monster actually wanted me to get off the couch to give her a hug!  Ugh.  I’m beyond tapped.  Two-year-olds are so DEMANDING!  Am I right?!

So, not to salt a wound, but I noticed yesterday when you were bringing your baby home from the hospital that she was wearing d-i-a-p-e-r-s.  I have someone who can help with that.  My poor Buphi was still wetting herself at ONE MONTH.  Poor thing.  She’s still in counseling over it.

Oh!  Just in case you’re interested we have a mommy-hood wine party every morning at 2:30 PM after the nannies drop the kids off at school and we have the chance to get Botoxed.  It’s pretty fun.  We really just sit around and talk about how much fun we were before we had kids and drink too much to function.  You know, though, I just wish the school opened a little earlier than 5:30 am.  I feel like I never have enough time to do the things I need to do!  Anyway, this week we’re having a pill swap cookie exchange so let me know if you want in!

Also, my husband is always with his mistress works in sales and is out of town a lot but we would love to have you guys over for dinner some time! 

{I’m not going to throw out any dates or times because it’s just an empty offer to make myself feel better and seem nice.  Plus, when I see you at the pool looking better than me I can tell the other moms that you must be a bitch because I invited you over but nothing ever came of it.}

Anyway, I won’t keep you.  I know you’re probably cray-cray busy managing your housekeeper, night nurse and nanny!  (fake laugh, fake laugh, fake laugh).  Seriously, though.  Here is my fake number that I will never answer.  Please don’t call me if you need anything at all.

Sew great to meet ewe!  We’re gonna be frenemies BESTIES!!!  I just know it!

My fellow moms out there have had this encounter.  You know you have.  If you haven’t, chances are you are Tiphi.  Don’t worry.  It’s not too late for an intervention.  Friends don’t let friends be Tiphi.

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