Death by Cornbread

Sup, peeps. It’s been a minute. Shat’s been cray-cray.

For example, I almost killed my husband with cornbread yesterday. Didn’t think that was possible?  Me either. But he swears that’s what had him puking all night.

I think that the fact that a whole hour passed after he ate my cornbread before he upchucked his liver is a preeetty good indicator that he contracted a virus. But he begs to differ. And that’s ok. Agree to disagree.

“How did that Ebola outbreak start?”  No one knows. We found patient zero. All he knows is that he ate this cornbread. Ah, yes. Now it all makes sense.

To his point, the cornbread was horrid.  I wouldn’t even taste it.  It looked bad.  Target didn’t have the brand of cornmeal I usually use.  Note to self: next time go to Publix.

Good news: I’m off the hook!  This guy will NOT request I cook anything for a VERY long time. #winning.

Someone who is NOT winning: the guy who got impatient today in traffic. He was behind me while I was waiting to turn onto the super-busy Windward Pkwy at lunch. Apparently he didn’t appreciate my apprehension for cars driving in my direction.

So what did he do???  He got out of line, cut me off, and pushed his way onto the road cutting of oncoming traffic in the process.

The best part: when I passed him.  That made me feel great.  Very warm and fuzzy.  Like Karma gave me a big, squishy hug.

Something that didn’t make me feel great was a conversation I had with Bella over the weekend.  It went something like this:

Me: Bella, when you’re a famous movie star can I come visit you on set?
Bella: No, I don’t think that’s gonna happen for me.
Me: You don’t wanna be a movie star anymore?
Bella: Oh, I do.  But so did you and it didn’t work out so well for you, now, did it?

Baby girl always leaves me speechless.

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Prison Shank Shakedown

Contrary to the name, “prison shanks” have uses that are applicable to other environments as well, not just prisons.  While they are rarely accepted as appropriate uses of force, one could argue that they are highly effective.

For example:

Someone cuts in front of you in line.  If you shank them, I’m pretty sure they will never do that again.

Someone cuts you off in traffic.  If you shank them, I’m pretty sure they will never do that again.

Someone disagrees with you when you are 100% correct.  If you shank them, I’m pretty sure they will never do that again.

You get the picture.  Is it excessive force?  I guess we’ll never know.  Unless a jury of your peers determines it so.  And that could very well happen.

Not sure how I got on the topic of “prison shanks”.  But I am at work…

On a lighter note, it’s Friday so I’m pretty stoked about that.

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11 Things I Don’t Understand

I don’t understand religions that dictate women not wear pants. Skirts are an invitation so it seems a bit contradictory to me.

Bernie Madoff was sent to prison for taking money from people, promising a return, then paying old investors fake returns with money from new investors. In other news, Social Security and insurance companies deny claims despite claimants having paid into the system for years….

Why is the government allowed to tax income of those paid with tax money? Isn’t that double dipping?

It gives me pause to walk into a women’s restroom and see a pair of feet facing the toilet.

I have a fear of finding a snake in a toilet. Or a shark in a lake, river, or my bath tub.

My 2 favorite snore sounds are “the dog fart” and “the spoon in the garbage disposal”. It’s most enjoyable when the two are combined.

When I walk into the women’s restroom at work and someone already in the stall gets really quiet I want to yell, “I know you’re pooping!”

I want my 6-pack abs back but not so bad that I won’t eat that donut.

Why do people who block intersections refuse to make eye contact with the people they’re blocking? It’s like they think that by not looking at the people they’ve pissed off the angry people don’t exist.

Blue Bell ice cream is the only brand that should exist. Ben & Jerry flavors in Blue Bell ice cream. Mind. Blown.

If you tell me I’m wrong for having a different opinion, you are a hypocrite. If you tell me I’m wrong because I say 5 + 5 = 7, you are correct.

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