So Lice to Meet You

Lice, lice, Baby.  I hate them.  Lice, lice, Baby.  Alright stop.  Evacuate and listen.  Lice are back and they’re back with a vengeance.  Somethin’ grabs ahold my hair tightly itch like a mo’ fo’ daily and nightly.  Will it ever stop?  Yo, I don’t know.  But I’m gonna shave the head of all my family members, shave my dogs, and burn down my house just to be sure.

2014 was a year full of firsts for my sweet little family.

Bella started cheerleading and kindergarten, I started volunteering as a coach, my hubs switched practices from Cardiology to Neurosurgery, Roman discovered he could use his penis as a microphone…  it was a great year.

It was also the year my babies experienced the delicious yumminess that is Panera Cinnamon Crunch bagels for the first time.

One Sunday morning my hubs had to work so I decided to treat the babies to a new, delectable breakfast experience.  After they got all sugared up, we went back home and they played outside for a while.  Maybe an hour into playing, Bella said, “Mommy, my head itches.  It kind of hurts.”

Now, growing up I always had super long hair.  I now realize how lucky I am to be able to say that I never experienced lice.  Don’t get me wrong, I knew about them.  My mom instilled in me a great fear of the parasitic a-holes.

No sharing brushes, no sharing hats, no prolonged hugs… Wait, no, that was to avoid an unwanted pregnancy.  Sorry.  Got confused.

So when Bella said her head itched “really bad”, lice infestation didn’t come to mind immediately.

{Dandruff starts so early nowadays. Must be all the antibiotics in the Dino Nuggets.}

When I looked at her head, I didn’t see anything at first. She kept scratching this one spot where there were all these white dots. They didn’t move like flakes do. {Not that I would know.}

AWE MA GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I immediately went into apocalypse survival mode.

Although I had no idea what to do, I knew I should somehow quarantine my poor little Bella without scaring her for life.

So, I guess the hazmat suit is out.

I said, “Bella, Mommy thinks you may have lice.  They won’t hurt you but they are very easy to catch and I don’t want anyone else to get them because it is very hard to get rid of.  We are all going to go inside and I’m going to put you in the bathtub.  I’m going to tell Roman to not touch you so that he doesn’t catch them and Mommy is going to figure out what to do.  It has nothing at all to do with you.  You are still my sweet Bella.  It is the little bugs that I don’t want us to catch.”

We all went upstairs and I stripped us all down, put all of our clothes in the wash, and put poor Bella in the tub filled with nice, warm water.

{Mommy, look!  I’m a mermaid!}

Now what?

Luckily, my sexy hubs is one of those that gets to wear scrubs to work.  HE WOULD KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I sent him a text explaining the situation.  He promptly called back and told me to put on latex gloves before I did anything else and he would bring home some anti-lice shampoo.

Ok, that’s great but how do we eradicate the effers NOW???

I have to take down all drapes and burn them, all clothing has got to go…  Carpet?  Burn it.  Toys need to go, you know what, just burn it all.

burning-house

Oh!  I remembered mid-freak out that one of my friends recently went through the same thing.  I’ll call her.

Mind you, at this point both of my kids are naked, Bella is under quarantine in the bathtub, Roman is just running around yelling, “PENIS!” and I’m naked with latex gloves on, talking on the phone.

It’s at this moment that my husband walks in.

{Hey, could you come back 45 minutes ago, you know, BEFORE I freaked out and got naked?  I’m pretty sure naked freak outs always end badly and on the news.}

In my defense, he had his own freak out, albeit fully clothed.

{Naked lice fighting coming soon to ESPN.}

While I was applying the shampoo to poor Bella’s hair and yelling him the instructions my friend gave me, my beautiful husband was bagging up EVERYTHING in her room.  Seriously, everything.  And THREW IT IN THE TRASH!  Um…

I spent the next TWO HOURS picking lice and eggs from Bellapunzel’s hair.

It was painful for both of us.  Asking Bella to sit still for any amount of time is like asking the Tazmanian Devil to be quiet and stop moving.

Then began the laundry.  EVERYTHING washable went into the washing machine on hot, extended cycle.

My husband also bought spray that is supposed to kill lice on carpets, etc.  We sprayed EVERYTHING that wasn’t breathing.  We had to go back to Walgreen’s a couple of times because we kept running out.

I repeated the treatment a few days later, as per my friend’s instructions and we were all clear.

At cheerleading I told parents about our ordeal.  One of the moms said, “we went through the same thing about 2 weeks ago…”

WHAT???

Monday morning after the “infestation” I called her elementary school and her daycare to let them know.  She obviously didn’t get it from either place because no other breakouts were reported…

Bella was patient zero.  Awesome.

But now it was obvious.

CHEERLEADING!

{Um, you didn’t think to tell anyone that your daughter had lice?  Maybe a little warning?  Maybe a quick, “Hey, my kid has nasty bug hair today.  I’m gonna have her sit this game out til this shat dies off.”}

At least we’d won the war.

Or so I thought.  A month later, another infestation.  {That’s what she said.} Dam.

ColbertNOOOOO

With the shampoo, the spray, the laundry, toy replacement, and cleaning supplies I probably spent $300 trying to get rid of these effers.  This time I needed professional help.

Unlike before, this time I had them, too.  Ever tried to treat yourself for lice?  It’s like trying to cut your own hair.

In Roswell there is a place called Head Hunters.  THEY ARE FANTASTIC.

They got us right in.  If I remember correctly, it’s $35 to do a lice check.  If the little a-holes have made themselves at home in your hair, that money goes toward treatment, which is $150.  The treatment is all natural and smells like lemongrass (yum).  (Plus, they partner with local schools and treat kids for free who can’t afford treatment.)

Most importantly, they put me at ease.  No need to jump off a ledge.

{So… you’re telling me I shouldn’t have burned my house down???  Ugh.  Oh, well.}

To all my friends who have encountered lice, let’s unite in our post-traumatic stress and help out those who are going through it or will in the future.

{The lice want you to freak out.  Take my hand and we’ll get through this together.  Don’t give them what they want.  You’re stronger than this. No, no I’m not NOOOO… I can’t- Yes, you can.  You can do this.  AHHHHHHHH}

You will get through it.  And you don’t have to burn down our house.  Unless you just really want a new one.

And you will re-live your experience over and over again.  Any time your head itches you will want sit down and write a blog post about lice.

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