Proud Pretty Moments

I have to admit, this post almost didn’t happen.

Not because I had a hard time coming up with stuff, (in fact, what follows is but a glimpse into the long, long list of incidents that tell the world I should be locked in a round, rubber room), but because some of the things you are about to read (assuming you aren’t eaten by a zombie in the next 10 seconds) are CRINGE-WORTHY.

It’s so much easier to pretend none of it ever happened.  But, I promised to share the fugly as a public service to make everyone else feel better about themselves, so here we go:

{I’m so altruistic.  Deep breath aaaaand…}

There was the time in high school that I ran into the center of a double door.  During a class change.  Epic.

Also, I got a football helmet stuck on my head in PE.  Also epic.  Thanks for that, Coach Tucker.

Or the time I rocked brand new jeans to school one day feelin’ all special, sat down in my chair, ready to learn in Mr. Jerry Smith’s English class only to notice a very cold feeling directly under my left butt cheek.  Not sure how it happened but my new jeans fell apart.  A huge rip.  Awesome.

Then there was the time I drove the wrong way down 138 with my BFF in the car.  I honestly had no clue.  She was too horrified to speak.  She just kept pointing in the opposite direction.  Oops.  In my defense, it was before there was a median.  Cuz that makes it better.

Oh, Miss Salem!  Please come back from college to help us crown the new Miss Salem!  Ok!  I’d love to!  And when I ask the audience to clap for the contestants I’m going to say, “Please join me in giving the contestants a round warm of applause.”  Not my smartest moment but I did look pretty that day.

In college I opened the door to my townhouse to go outside for my 8am class, didn’t realize there was frozen ice on the stairs, and BAM!  I’m upside down on my front porch.  Of course I get up and look around to see if anyone (Joel Stringer) saw me.

Then there was the time I had to give a presentation in my Spanish Lit class.  It was awesome.  I was performing while speaking Spanish so I was excited.  After class my professor pulled me aside and said, “Did you realize that every number you said was in Italian?”  Well, I do now!  Yay!  I’m confused but I’m pretty.

And in Drama class one day I got to do an improv skill opposite a guy I had a huge crush on.  We were allowed only 3 lines or less to give the audience where we were and what we were doing without saying it directly.

No prep, no rehersal, aaaaaand GO!

I was so excited that I just ran at him.  Like a spider monkey.  I had no idea what I was going to say or anything.  I scared the shat out of everyone.  It was horrible.

Our teacher stopped the scene, thankfully, and let us start over.  Luckily I composed myself and redeemed my acting skills but I think he was pretty scarred from the whole experience.

Ever shown up to a “white elephant” Christmas party with a gag gift only to realize once you’re there that it isn’t actually a “white elephant” party but a “get-the-best-gift-you-can-find-for-$30” party?  I have.

When someone picked my gift and opened it, the disappointed look on that person’s face still haunts me.  And the best part was that someone else yelled, “who would do that!?  Whoever you are, you should be ashamed!”

I am.  I am ashamed.  But I’m going to sit here without saying anything and just look pretty.

Then there was the time I was talking to the Athletics Director of the rec team I coach for.  It was right before a game, I was dressed for it.  Looked like an amazing Cheerleading Coach (cuz I am).

I thought he seemed really interested in what I was saying.  Obviously, I’m awesome.  Or maybe he’s thinking, “Wow, she is an amazing Cheerleading coach!”

Nope.  All of a sudden he says, “I’m not sure if you know this, and I hope I don’t offend you, but you have a piece of food stuck in your teeth.”  Yaaay!  That’s not pretty at all.

My favorite is when my kids call me out. Like when I’m exercising, trying to get back to my pre-baby weight by digging deep to the Insanity Workout with my mentor, Shaun T, and my then 3-year-old daughter tells me, “You aren’t very good at this, Mommy.  Are you?  No, you aren’t.  But I am.”  That’s right, Bella.  Thank you.

Then there was the time she said, “Mommy, do you have another baby in your belly?”  No.  Your brother wanted to be sure he had room for all 9 lbs of himself so he stretched my uterus out reeeeeally big.  Now it won’t go back to its normal flat state because it is in shock.  Just like I am.  That a 9 lb human came out of that.  I realize it isn’t pretty.  Thank you for pointing it out.

AND my most recent “pretty moment” came courtesy of a nice older man named Phil.  I know him because we are both regulars at the same Starbucks.  He is very jolly, super friendly.

On this one day in particular, I decided to wear a sweater to work.  It was December, almost Christmas, so the weather was a bit chilly.  As I’m leaving Starbucks to go to work I wave to Mr. Phil and say hi.  And he smiles and says, “Ugly sweater day at work today?!  That’s great!”  To which I replied, “It is!  You like my choice?”  It was not ugly sweater day at my office.  It was normal sweater day.

Talk about being paranoid for the rest of the day.

Please tell me I’m not the only one with “pretty moments”…

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