Five Times the Olympics Makes Us All Feel Like Athletes

GO Team usa… Not gonna lie, I wasn’t into the Olympics this go ‘round. Not, that is, until my husband turned it on TV for the kids to watch. As they were watching basketball, I saw how excited they were and I caught the fever again!   It’s like experiencing Christmas through the eyes of children… Impossible to be Grinchy. Go Team USA! IT’S SO INFECTIOUS! {The good kind of infectious. Not like Syphilis}.

Now I’m super far behind! My mom calls to chat, I mention the Olympics like I’ve just discovered America and she already knows all the back stories and who deserves to win, who cheated, who was mean to whom, who has Zika… gosh. I gotta step up my game. Time for Olympics 24/7.

As I’m watching “Table Tennis” (AKA, “Sober Beer Pong” which is just – why would I waste my skills in precision without the promise of beer?) Anyway, as I’m watching Olympic Sober Beer Pong with the focus and intensity of a trophy wife watching her husband about to win the Master’s {SHUT THE FUQ UP Y’ALL MOMMA’S BOUTTA GET PAID!}, I realized the most valuable lesson we can all learn from the Olympics: These world-class athletes give us reason to be proud of who we are. They ARE all of us. Here’s why:

  1. Sober Drunk Olympic Sports. These Sober Beer Pong people are so fanatical about a sport that most people play drunk! That’s insane! I mean, it’s dedicated. I’m thinking of starting Olympic Corn Hole. I’m gonna start training. I feel like it’s an underserved market (that’s what she said). But I understand why you’d have to train for it. Playing sober uses a whole different skill level. It’s like relearning how to play! Like I just woke up from a coma and now I have to relearn basic life skills.
  1. Cupping. Now, I’ve known about cupping for a long time. (That’s what she said.) I know it’s a thing. But seeing those perfectly circular bruises displayed oh-so-proudly for the whole world to see gave me the confidence to bare my random leg bruises without feeling self-conscious. Free-form cupping. That’s what those bruises are from, if anyone asks. And they always do.

{Person at the Pool Whom I barely know: “Oh, no! What’s that nasty bruise from?”

Me: “This? I had a pretty intense training session at the gym the other day so my trainer cupped my upper thigh. It helps my recovery happen faster, so…”

Person I barely know: “Cool! What are you training for?”

Me: “Zoomba”}

Really, these brave athletes are doing for those of us who suffer from random bruising what Kim Kardashian did for Psoriasis sufferers and what Walter Brimley did for those who suffer from the Diabeetus AND what Jenny McCarthy’s anti-vaccination campaign did for stupidity. #raiseawareness

  1. Phelps Face. Let’s discuss this for a sec. We all make this face. Whether you’re 2 years old or 100 years old, this face tells any offender they’ve crossed the line. And shat’s boutta get real. Hubs throws away the leftovers you’ve been dreaming of all day? #Phelpsface. Kids destroy the clothes you’ve just folded oh so carefully for the past hour and placed gently on the sofa until you get the energy to put them up (and by “up” I of course mean in the “Clean Clothes” laundry basket that everyone fishes in for the week)? #Phelpsface. Doctor tells you to lose weight? #Phelpsface. Hubs asks you what you’ve done all day? #Murder while you’re wearing the #Phelpsface. See? Michael Phelps is all of us. I wonder if he flashes that face to his wife when she tells him not to sit on the sofa until he changes out of his wet clothes…
  1. Women’s Gymnastics. Are you kidding me? I can TOTALLY do that. Well, I mean, I could have if I hadn’t made the tough decision of giving up my dream for the betterment of my family. And by that I mean I was too lazy to go to practice anymore so I stopped when I was seven. But that’s the ONLY reason I’m not there. I mean, I was on track, man. Buuuut, we all make sacrifices, right? Maybe I never nailed my back handspring but I was RIGHT THERE… I could have. That’s the point. I just chose not to. Perfecting my lip synching routine to Mariah Carey’s Always Be My Baby was more important at the time. We all have our priorities.

So, I mean, Simone should be glad I quit cuz I would totes be showing her up. But… you know, it worked out for the best because now I can eat chocolate and drink wine while I’m watching her do all the work so….

  1. Interviews with Randoms. And here’s the best one yet. Anyone see the Ryan Seacrest interview with the sand artist? The one Ryan offered a drink to? And the poor guy didn’t know if Ryan was offering him a SIP or the whole drink. Awkwardness ensued. We’ve all been there… walking down the hall, someone comes walkin atcha from the opposite direction and BAM! You both realize you need to go around each other. You both move left (the same “left”), then you both move right (the same “right”), then you chuckle that “I’m super annoyed, can’t you just get out of my way” chuckle. Same concept. That sand castle artist is all of us. Super annoyed with Ryan Seacrest.

Not to mention Ryan is in this guy’s home country speaking to him in English. Obviously, Sand Artist Guy doesn’t speak English or things wouldn’t have been so painful to watch. Imagine you’re doing your thing, minding your business and some weirdo with a microphone and a camera man come waltzing up to you asking you questions in Swahili then try to make you look like you’re the one who doesn’t understand… Well played, Ryan. Well played.

So, in conclusion, don’t beat yourself up because you’re 41 years old, sitting on the couch stuffing your food hole with cheese dip watching the 41 year old gymnast from Uzbekistan kill it against 18 year olds from China. That sooo could have been you. It’s not, and that’s ok. At least you’re pretty.

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