Reality Show Pitch

I’m convinced, as are many, that I need my own reality show. Sure, there are a few obstacles. But nothing I can’t overcome. Where there’s a will, there’s a way to convince my husband that he won’t lose his job if he signs up for this and he needs to comply because it would make this much easier and more entertaining for everyone if I don’t have to drug his coffee.

This all became within reach on Friday when I needed a break from work so I left for lunch and started brainstorming ways I could make money without having to go back to my job. I could play the lottery but that doesn’t (for some reason) mean I’ll WIN the lottery. (Ok, y’all, I just typed ‘wine’ instead of ‘win’ and had to correct it. I think the universe it trying to tell me something. I’m listening, Wine Spirit. I’m listening.) Then I had an epiphany. Didn’t those people in The Blair Witch Project find their jobs on Craig’s List? I can’t really remember but I feel like maybe that happened. Either way, Imma look.

Now, I’m not a “Craigslister”. I don’t casually go to Craig’s List for anything. Mainly because I’ve seen Lifetime movies and don’t wanna die. It happens. I’ve seen it. Just like dingoes can eat babies. It happens. But I decided to give it a shot and see what happens. About halfway down the list of Craig, past the “clothing optional” modeling gigs, I see it.

PITCH YOUR OWN REALITY SHOW

WHAT???? OH EM GEE MY PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED! All I have to do is submit a picture of myself and a list of the people I think should be in it with me and a picture of them and a written pitch for why I think I should be considered. Boom.

Picture of myself: Easy.

It says 'I'm mysterious but really want world peace'.

It says ‘I’m mysterious but really want world peace’.

List of people I think should be in it with me: Me (of course), my husband (perhaps played by himself, depending on his availability, perhaps played by Gerard Butler as a last resort), my kids, my mom, a few friends, and voila! Reality show stardom. Wait, I need to actually put into words what makes us special, why people would wanna watch! Ugh. That’s the tough part. I’ll ask people I work with:

Me: Abby! Why do I need my own reality show? I need to wr-

Abby: Uh, have you met you?

Me: No, I know that but if I were to submit a pitch I have to write down actual reasons and I can’t just say, “Uh, have you met me?” I mean I could but then I probably wouldn’t get very far and, oh, speaking of getting very far, have you heard of those driverless Uber cars??? What would you do if one picks you up and tries to molest you? That would be weird. Anyway, I just need re-

Abby: I’m done. MAUREEN! ERICA NEEDS YOU!

Me: What? We’re not done! You didn’t give me anything!

You see my dilemma. I’m working on it. When I get it finalized I’ll post it for all to see. It’ll be glorious.

Why would YOUR life make a great reality show?

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