Camels Have Toes

Ah… The camel toe. Sister to the moose knuckle, nemesis to leggings, and enhancer of vag lips everywhere.

It creeps up when you least expect it. Like at work. Or the grocery store. Or church.

And when you are powerless to gracefully adjust your crotchal-region. Like at work while giving a presentation. Or aisle 9 with a buggy full of apple juice, tampons, kids, and embarrassment. Or at the 11:00 service of mega church while walking across the sanctuary to get to the only open seats left, which are in the middle of the row.

Or, my latest experience, gettin’ it on the elliptical. Then walking across the open, very populated gym to get to anywhere that will give cover to adjust but by that time, what’s the point. The whole gym now knows how amazingly awesome your labia are after birthing 2 kids and stuffing yourself into clothing deemed appropriate for working out. Or selling your body. Or, for the enterprising, both.

Skinny jeans, workout shorts, leggings, and tight pants in general are all in style leaving females everywhere vulnerable. Because I know I’m not the only one suffering, I posted my less-than-optimal gym experience on Twitter just to let others know that they aren’t suffering alone.

And then it happened.

I got a ‘like’ from an account called “Smooth Groove”. I was intrigued so I investigated further. Turns out, ladies, we have a solution.

Have you ever heard of the Backtacular Gluteal Cleft Shield? If not, it should promptly be googled. Then look at images.


For one low price of $15, you can own a reusable sliver of silicone that bridges the gap between your lips. #problemsolved. I haven’t purchased it yet but once I do I’ll post pics. Of my covered bridge.

Here is a list of 6 of my thoughts/questions pre-purchase:

Much like nipple covers can create a look of pepperoni nipples, will this look like I’m wearing an overnight maxi pad with my tight pants?
What if it becomes unattached and falls out?
Does it tickle? Or pinch?
Can I return it if I’m unsatisfied?
If so, am I at risk of received a ‘refurbished’ one from someone who sent it back and you guys figured “It’s ok. We washed it.”?
Do you have anything for the moose knuckle?

My most important question: can it vibrate?

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