Floor Sample

Strange situations have a way of evolving from innocuous beginnings.

For example, Monday started like any other work day.  Sparkle Bottoms called out sick with hives (all of us who have been around long enough know that she prolly just had a fun weekend with her married boyfriend), Junior Gorg was pleasant because she had some say in who gets to keep and office, Ginger Boo Boo showed up (#winningthefirstbattle), and I was thrilled to only have two meetings planned for the day.

At some point before lunch, our mail room guy, Hey Gurl, popped into Abby’s office while I was there and asked where he could find an employee who had mail.  Abby told Hey Gurl that the person is no longer with the company but she would open the package and find the rightful owner.

She took possession of the package (that’s what she said) and carefully began removing the contents from the wrapping.  Inside… the biggest hunk of milk chocolate I’d ever seen in person.  It was in temperature-controlled, insulated packaging so you could feel the slight chill through the box.  To maintain a façade of normalcy, I fought off the urge to throw myself across the desk, grab the box, lock myself in my office and devour it.

However, after lunch Abby and I found ourselves back in her office staring at the glorious, massive chunk of chocolate.  How do we eat it?  (That’s what he said).

“Smack it on the table so it breaks,” says Abby.

I did.  Nothing happened.

“Hit it again!”

So I did.  Again, nothing happened.


Like the obedient servant that I am not, I walked over to a chair and whacked the box across the arm.  The box broke in half and a third of the candy bar plopped onto the floor.  In shock, Abby and I stared at the delicious chunk of goodness for about fifteen seconds – until I broke the silence.  “I feel like I should pick it up.”

“Oh, yeah, you should.”

I lifted it from the floor, pulled off a piece of fuzz, broke off a small piece and shoved it in my mouth.  Mmmmm.  Then Abby did the same.  We agreed that it was, in fact, delicious.

 What we decided to do next could prevent my immediate entrance into Heaven upon my departure from this world.  Abby and I decided that the best “next step” would be to share with others.  So we kept the part that didn’t fall on the floor and we put the rest of it, “the floor sample”, outside her door on a napkin for others to enjoy.  And they did.


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Thanks, Stupid

Last week was the week of giving thanks, thanks to Thanksgiving. Yep, that just happened. Facebook is full (gosh, all the alliterations are making me alluringly weirded out so I’ll stop now) of people doing the “28 days of thanks” posts.

Me, I don’t do it. It’s not that I’m ungrateful for stuff. I’m very grateful for stuff. But I’m not sure I’d have 28 meaningful things to be grateful for. In the spirit of the “what if” game that my roomie and I played in college, what if the things I list by the 16th day are stupid.

I’d no doubt start out strong.

Day 1: I’m thankful for my family. My super-sexy husband and my crazy awesome kiddos

Obligatory, I know. But they are pretty cool.

Day 2: I’m thankful that I still have my dad around

I mean, he died and came back… I’d say I’m thankful for each day with that Houdini of a man.

Day 3: I’m thankful for my mom’s guidance and advice

She keeps me sane… gives me perspective… I don’t give her much of a baseline

Day 4: I’m thankful for my puppies

They’re always happy to see me. Well, sometimes I wonder about Lola. I’m pretty sure she’s planning world domination.

Day 5: I’m thankful for my job

Now I am

Day 6: I’m thankful for my friends

My liver hates them but what does my liver know?! She doesn’t know me! She just thinks she knows what’s best for me. She’s always such a buzz kill!

Day 7: I’m thankful for restaurants

Every mom knows the feeling of relief and elation when someone else in the family says, “why don’t we go out to eat tonight?” If the idea is mine, I’m lazy. If the idea is someone else’s, I’m winning. Like Charlie Sheen without the HIV.

Day 8: I’m thankful for those humans who frequently make bad decisions

Those bad decisions make me feel prettier, smarter, and more successful.

Day 9: I’m thankful for dry air days

My blowout will last for DAYS if the weather cooperates. If not, bye-bye Cosmo Tai (my Drybar junkies know I’m right)

Day 10: I’m thankful for smoothies

All my nutrients in delicious, fruit-flavored beverages slap full of sugar. Yummy in my tummy.

Day 11: I’m thankful for my dishwasher

And I don’t mean my husband even though he’s really good at it. I went 2 years TWO YEARS without one.

Day 12: I’m thankful for commercials that aren’t stupid

The stupid ones make me angry.

See??? It’s only day 12 and I’m already thankful for commercials. COMMERCIALS. Lame. What’s sad is that people post stuff like that for reals. Can we all agree to post-shame the stupid ones? Please? No one cares that you’re thankful for cereal or selfie sticks. If I see it next year I will make fun of you. And I expect the same in return. Thank you.

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