Strong Suggestions

My favorite color is red. Maybe that’s why I’ve been “red flag” challenged in the past. I suggest we move to “face slaps” instead of “red flags” to note that someone should reconsider a decision. I know I would respond better to that.

If Tom Shane says something is “en vogue” I will not buy it. If he says something is “on trend” I will not buy it. I don’t trust a nasally white guy to tell me what is in style.

There is a city in Georgia named “McDonough”.  It is pronounced “mic-don-uh”, not “mic-dun-uh”. There is no “u” between the “d” and the “n”. While we are on the topic of pronunciations, water is pronounced “wah-ter” not “wutter” and deal is pronounced “dee-al” not “dill”. I could go on, but I’ll stop.

To all news outlets: please don’t interrupt me with breaking news that anyone who is older than 90 has died. That’s not breaking news. It’s a duh.

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Wheel of Realism

It’s a fact that I rarely watch Wheel of Fortune.  Not that I don’t like the show, I just never seek it out.  The other night it came on while I was other stuff around the house.  One thing I noticed is that EVERY CONTESTANT has a beautiful spouse, perfect kids, and loves the show.

Here’s what I want to see: A realist.  I want to see someone who says, “Hi, Pat.  I have a dumbass wife who is banging the pool boy and my kids are all screw ups.  I’m here to win money for my divorce so I can move to Costa Rica and start over.  Never really seen your little show here before but let’s play and see where this goes.”

Come on, Pat.  It’ll be HUGE (that’s what she said).  Like Jerry Springer meets Wheel.

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In just 2 days my hunky hubs and I will celebrate our wedding anniversary.  This is huge.  Each year that I realize 1) our anniversary is approaching and 2) we’re still married, I feel accomplished.  It’s comparable to the feeling I had when each of my kids turned one.

{YAY!!!  I sustained a human life for a year!!!  Only now it’s, “Yay!!!  We sustained a human marriage another year!  I still love and even LIKE my husband and he must still like me because he hasn’t served me with divorce papers or tried to poison me!!! That I know of”}

After my first marriage I swore I would NEVER get married again.  Ever.  I was better off alone, no drama, no heartbreak.  Marriage just complicates things.  The realization that marriages end sometimes even when you give it your all was too sobering for me to process.

But then, one day I was running late for work.  I stopped in for my morning Starbucks (cuz I’m never too late for that).  And there stood a handsome man in scrubs with an amazing smile and stunning blue eyes.

You know that feeling in high school when you see a hot guy who’s way cooler than you and your knees buckle?  Yeah, that happened.

I went to work that morning and told my boss about my encounter.  He wrote my cell # on a napkin and put it in my pocket.  He said, “Be late as much as you need.  But keep that napkin with you and give it to him next time.”

First off, that man was one of my favorite bosses EVER.  Secondly, I don’t think he realized “as much as you need” meant 6 months of me being late to work.  And I lost that napkin probably 2 weeks in.

Fast forward two years and we were flying to Vegas to get hitched.

{FYI, if you’re in a great mood, about to do something BIG, and are super excited, DON’T WATCH BLACK SWAN!  We learned this lesson on the flight over.  Hashtag buzz kill.}

I felt like this time I had a more realistic expectation of marriage.  And, my poor hubs… I didn’t just have “a little baggage” that I dragged into our union.  I had

But it’s ok.  He had a few suitcases, too.

Our marriage hasn’t always been all roses, unicorns, and rainbows.  There are moments when our marriage feels like I’m standing in the middle of a lucha libre fight.

{What tha face is about to happen?  Why are those little people dressed like koala bears walking angrily toward me?}

Sometimes it’s like a weird dream involving leprechauns and Oompa Loompas.

{Should I be scared or in awe?  I’m not sure what this is… is this a black pot full of cereal???}

The first year was a tough adjustment.  He went from bachelor to insta-family.  And I had to remember that I now had a partner.

He and I didn’t have the luxury of living in a honeymoon bubble for the first year.  (I’ve actually never had that luxury but I’ve been told that it exists.  Guess it’s kind of like aliens…or Big Foot.) It was like we fast-forwarded to year 10 and had to figure out the rest as we went along.

But then there are the moments that feel like I’m swimming in dark chocolate while covered in diamonds, receiving the most comforting angel hug while listening to Celine Dion sing the phone book.

{Kids, phone books are biiiiig books with phone numbers in them that used to be popular when I was a young whippersnapper.  Mostly it was used by me for comic relief, “Short, Peter!!!!!  AHAHAHAHA!”}

Each year we seem to gain a greater understanding of what we can do to love the other better.

Each year poses new obstacles for us to face.  It’s nice to have someone who grabs my hand and goes over it with me instead of someone who yells “sucka!”, runs away, and leaves me standing there with my thumb up my rear.

Not gonna lie, with every obstacle there is a split second where I still expect to be let down.  I kind of hold out my hand and close my eyes really tight not knowing if he will have grabbed my hand when I open my eyes.  But he always does.  And usually complains that my hands are clammy.  And those are the moments I know I’m where I should be.

We haven’t yet been married for 40 years so I’m not writing this post to grace you with my words of marital wisdom.  That would probably result in a sharp spike in divorce rates.  (Which would insinuate that I have a large cult-like blog following.)

But I can say I’ve learned some things. Marriage isn’t a fairy tale.  It’s a journey that takes 100% commitment from each partner every minute of every day.  It’s emotionally dangerous. To make it work you have to rely on another person and assume they want to be there, too.  You have to be vulnerable.  You have to let another person in on your cray-cray.  AND, you have to experience someone else’s cray-cray.

{Anything crazy can and will be used against you in a court of law.}

But when it works, when you find someone who wakes up next to you and you know with 100% certainty that today this person will be my teammate, that’s a pretty big deal.

{And then they fart.}

With each slap on the arse I’m reminded that he loves me.  And with each burned, inedible dinner I make I hope he sees I’m trying to show him how much I love him, too.

To all of my friends who are separated or divorced, don’t mistake marriage for happiness.  Experience living life for yourself and see where it goes.  Also, never say never.  You just may end up with a hottie hubs, a daughter who adores him, and a son who just wants to be called Slash.

To all of my friends who are married and glad you did it, fist bump.

And to my partner in crime, I’m glad I’m in cahoots with you.

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