Random Intent

To anyone creating a “New Parent Boot Camp” I’d like to offer my children as Drill Sergeants.  Anyone who can discipline my kids with a straight face automatically graduates.

Rick: “Roman, why did you hit your sister??”

Roman: “Because.”

Rick: “Bella, honey, are you ok?  Roman! Tell her you are sorry!”

Roman: “I just farted.  I gonna play my dwums now.”

Me: “Bella, you’ve been in your room for 20 minutes!  We have to leave for school, why do you only have ONE SHOE ON???”

Bella: “Yesterday at school I had sausage for breakfast.  It was the color of wheat.”

I recently read an interview with the lead singer of Def Leopard about how aging rock stars still kick ass.  And he’s right.  My hubs and I saw Aerosmith a few months ago (my fave band EVER!) and they still ROCK.  At dinner Saturday night the SAME topic came up which lead to us pondering what it would be like if Axl Rose rolled out on stage in a Rascal… you know it’ll happen.  And I want to be there when it does.

Is it common knowledge that you should avoid a gas pump where someone is already using the pump on the other side, if possible?  Every time I pump gas in that situation the gas pumps sooooooo sloooooowly.  I feel like this might be something I’m supposed to know? Side note, you’d think I would have learned by now to go to another, unused pump.  Obviously, I need more time.

Another topic that came up Saturday night at dinner was Taylor Swift.  The hilarious consensus was that if you say you don’t like Taylor Swift, you’re lying to yourself.  After a brief survey over Facebook (the statistically accurate and scientifically accepted way to survey the populous now) it appears this hypothesis holds water.

That phrase makes me think of this:

youtube.com

youtube.com

Which makes me think of this:

ar15.com

ar15.com

Then I can’t stop laughing and my makeup runs and I look like a disaster and I need to go home because I’m useless for the rest of the day.

Happy Tuesday… I hope it has been random and pretty (pretty cray-cray!).

xoxo

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Never Say Never

Sounds like a James Bond movie, doesn’t it? Brilliant.

Almost every time I’ve declared, “NEVER!” I think God has smiled a little inside, grabbed some popcorn, and settled in to watch the critically acclaimed miniseries, “NEVER! Well… maybe… Ok, FINE!” starring ME.

First up, we have babies. Nope. I’m not gonna have any. Too much responsibility! Plus, I don’t know what to do with a BAY-BEE!

So God gave me this one:

silly bella

Then he gave me this one:

FullSizeRender

Turns out, I’m the BEST MOMMY EVER! My kiddies both said so… soooo that means it’s true.

Ewe. I’ll never shop at a “MOM” store. Blah. Oh! Look at that cute dress at New York and Company! Hey! Look at the new shirt I got at CATO! I’m so stylish. Funny, God. Vurry funny.

Um, no, I don’t do oysters. That I still won’t do. Yuck, those nasty loogie-textured things…

Mini-van? Nope. I’ve held out by getting a Yukon instead. Aka, the mini-van for moms who refuse to get a mini-van. Does that count?

Oh, to drink? “I’ll just have water with lemon” I’ll never say! Who orders “WATER”??? I’d never order gross water! Well, now I do. Judge away, younger me!

Next up, we have divorce.

Awe, bless her heart. She’s divorced… that’ll never happen to me. I’m going to read all the articles and pray really hard and nope, no d-i-v-o-r-c-e for me!

Turns out, if you marry the first guy I married you’ll end up divorced. Just ask his newest ex-wife.

Which brings me to my next “NEVER! Becomes FINE!” moment. When my ex-whatever-he-was and I divorced, it was mainly because he “fell in love” with someone else. While I was pregnant. And my dad had a stroke that left him permanently disabled. And my dog died on my birthday. And I was 3,000 miles away from home. Cue anything by Willie Nelson.

At first I didn’t blame the “other woman”. But… then I realized she knew about all of it. She knew he was married. She knew I was pregnant. Needless to say, I wasn’t her biggest fan. I would NEVER forgive her for her part. Ever. I didn’t want to speak to her, I didn’t want her to be near my baby, I didn’t care to ever hear her name (which, unfortunately for me at the time, is a very popular name).

Fast forward 6 years, they are married with one baby and one on the way. Then he takes me to court so that he can exercise his visitation in Seattle. Awe, that’s cute, right?? A military guy who just wants to see his daughter. UH-UH. He talked to my daughter maaaaybe once a month on the phone and miiiiight see her once every 18 months. I was desperate. And I was convinced that there was something motivating this and it wasn’t “fatherly love”.

One lovely day, a dear, dear friend divulged some interesting information: there might be trouble in paradise and she might HATE him.

Ugh. What do I do? She might be the only person who can help make sure he can’t take my baby… I prayed… and thought about it… and crossed my fingers… and reached out to her.

Let’s just say she was more than willing to help me. My bet paid off. It was risky. She could have double-crossed me. It could have backfired. Are we best friends? No. But before I picked up the phone I’d already forgiven her for whatever part she had. FYI, if it weren’t her it would have been someone else (Seriously. I can rattle off ten names right now).

After the divorce that left me bitter, angry, and hollow do you think I swore off marriage??? YOU BET I DID!!!!!!! Am I now married to my best friend? You bet I am. God, that’s some sense of humor you have! But if this guy is the punch line, I’ll be the joke 😉

I’ll never be one of those weirdos that eats organic. Such a load of crap. I’ll never like spinach. I’m not a runner… I’ll never run a 5k. I’ll never wear mom jeans (in my defense, I didn’t realize they were mom jeans until I got home from the store. It was quite unfortunate). I’ll never clean! (I said that one just the other day. Then I thought a friend was coming over and I was embarrassed that she might see my house in that state.) All things I’ve said and all things that have turned out happening…

So just for shats and giggles:

I’ll NEVER be rich! I’ll NEVER have a huge beach house! Heh… 🙂

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Who Killed Joy?

Smart grown-ups understand that kids need fun. The great teachers we all remember made learning fun and relevant. The best birthday parties we attended as kids were FUN! And if there were animals involved, even better.

Consider the cash cows that target kids and we as grown-ups think, “WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?!” American Girl, Diamond Girls Day Spa, Monkey Joe’s, Sky Zone all built an empire on fun and making kids feel special.

Sure, grown-ups have a few equivalents… Dry Bar, Top Golf, any place that sells cupcakes AND alcohol.

But our bosses don’t typically think, “Ok… we need to increase productivity. How can I make this fun for my employees so that they WANT to go sell this chemical that no one can pronounce?”

When did that end??? (that’s what she said)

At what age is it assumed that a person doesn’t need fun anymore to get through the day-to-day??

Oil changes, paying bills, buying a new water heater… WHERE DID THE FUN GO???? Chances are, I’d remember to pay my trash bill every other month if it were FUN!

For adults, if you want fun, first put in your 1,000 work hours for the week THEN MAYBE you can go blow $200 at Top Golf IF your Evil Step Mother boss doesn’t give you work to take home.

{I’ve heard rumors that there exists a boss who rides around on a unicorn granting wishes for fun work environments and great co-workers. Believe it or not, I met him once or twice. He was beautiful. But he didn’t stay as long as I’d hoped.}

And I have yet to hear of a place that makes it fun to get your car serviced.

Um… ma’am you get to drive a car that works now. That’s your incentive. So I can overcharge you and treat you like you’re a stupid piece of poo because in the end, your car works. For now. You’re welcome.

Do I sound irresponsible and childish? Perhaps. Do I care? Balls, no. I want more fun, DAMMIT!

I promise, I’d be more receptive to hear about the new job you want me to price if you aren’t so serious all the time and if you’d stop staring blankly at me when I reference Joe Dirt.

I hereby challenge anyone out there who owns a place of business such as a car repair shop, a cell phone provider, a cable company TO MAKE IT FUN!!!!!!! And, if possible, not so sketchy. Thanks.

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Narcissistic Coaching

The social interactions I witness in my office have planted the seed for me to start creating passive-aggressive cards.  My first one will say:

Thank you for the coaching session you forced me into so that I could hear all about your accomplishments and nothing about what it is I need to do to better myself. 

Insincerely,

Your Reluctant Subordinate

 

At “At Least I’m Pretty” cards, we say what you can’t.

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I’m Afraid of Fear

funny-pix.co

funny-pix.co

Everything has its purpose, right? Even wretched creatures supposedly have their place in the world, or so we’re told by “scientists”…

{Roaches and snakes should all be murdered.}

Lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking (which is highly dangerous because then I start talking about those thoughts and then the outside world has access to my inner thoughts and then I see the looks on the faces of those people who have gained access to my brain and realize I should stop thinking so much).

But anyway…

Let’s back up, shall we? In August I accepted a position at a company that manufactures and sells automotive batteries. Seems like a market that isn’t going away any time soon, right? Wrong question to ask… the market may be in demand but the trick is to join a company that isn’t going anywhere. Oops.

I was told when I interviewed that the company was in bankruptcy and that it was emerging in September. I was sold the job under the pretense that upon emergence I would have the luxury of rebuilding the function from the ground up. That sparked the creative side of me that screams, “LET ME OUT!!!!” 99.9% of the time. I did my research, confirming what I was told, and happily accepted to begin the waiting game until I could build my masterpiece (AKA, the world’s best Comp department).

What was originally September became November shortly after I started. It happens. No big deal. Then November became December. December 15th. No, December 31st. January. Definitely January. Weeeeell, it’s looking more like March. March 27th is the emergence date. Hey, about March 27th… by the time the court approves it’ll be March 31st… well, April. Let’s go with that.

There is a lot of uncertainty right now and the scary part is that I have ZERO control over any of it. I’m at the mercy of the decisions (or indecisions) that other people make, or don’t make.

I’ve been toying with the idea of starting my own gig for the past 2 years or so. But I don’t know what I’m more afraid of: being a part of a corporation that can go belly-up with what feels like the drop of a hat or putting myself out there and having no one to blame but myself if it fails. Also,

I could make no money, I could LOSE money, I could get sued because someone gets a wild hair, I could pour my heart and soul into something that no one likes, I could make a huge mistake that costs thousands of dollars, I could have even less time with my family, I could pick the wrong business and end up miserable but stuck AGAIN, I could slip on a puddle of water and fall on a piece of metal and hit my head and forget everything and everyone I know and get bitten by a snake and… and… and…

It all boils down to CRIPPLING, PARALYZING FEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Referencing the beginning sentence, fear definitely has its place. Fear (most of the time) keeps my kids from doing dangerous stuff that could kill them. Fear keeps me from going to creepy places by myself at night where all the murderous bad guys hang out (actually, at this time in my life it’s not fear, it’s exhaustion that keeps me in at night). Fear keeps my husband from saying certain things to me during my “certain time of the month” (usually).

Fear in moderation is healthy. But fear in excess is what keeps us not only from danger, but from greatness.

It’s paralyzing. I don’t want to go left. I may get hit by a car. I don’t want to go right. I may get hit by a car. Yep. I’ll stay right here. Thanks.

I’m tired of letting fear dictate what I can and can’t do. Anyone else with me?

Looking back, fear has always had its say in my life. Fear is like that co-worker that’s always negative or back-stabbing and the boss thinks it’s just easier to appease this horawful person than take a stand… you know what I’m talking about.

I could have been a great gymnast. If not for the fear of falling on my head and breaking my neck.

I could have been a great college cheerleader. If not for the fear of falling on my head and breaking my neck.

I could have been Miss America. If not for the fear of saying something stupid in front of a bunch of people and possibly falling on my head and breaking my neck.

{Hey, a girl can dream.}

I could have been more fluent in Italian and Spanish. But I’m horrified of saying something that makes me look stupid so I didn’t talk when I should have so that I could make mistakes and learn from them so now I have the fluency of an 18-month old.

Being afraid isn’t pretty. Ever seen anyone’s “I’m terrified” face?

forum.xcitefun.net

forum.xcitefun.net

Poor guy.

Boldness is beautiful. Confidence is beautiful. Determination is beautiful. That’s what we should aim for.

I’ve always heard what “ladies” shouldn’t do. I’ve heard what path I “shouldn’t” take. We can’t do what we love and make a living doing it. We would starve! We can’t have an important job and raise a family. The family would fall into anarchy and chaos!

How about as a community we stop telling ourselves and others what is impossible and start solving problems. Stop placing limitations because of what bad could happen and realize the possibilities of greatness. As a leader my philosophy is “Don’t point out problems, create solutions”. What if we applied that to life in general?

I bet we would be much prettier…

But what if I

RULE THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bwah-hahahahahaha

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Questions Against Humanity

These are some of the questions that keep me up at night and the answers I have so far:

Have I told you lately that I love you?

Yes, you tell me all the time.

quickmeme.com

quickmeme.com

Do you wanna build a snowman?

No, I hate cold weather.

What’s love gotta do with it?

Nothing.  Let’s keep her out of this, shall we?

goodmorningtextmessages.blogspot.com

goodmorningtextmessages.blogspot.com

Are you gonna go my way?

No, Starbucks is the other direction so I’ll text you when I’m                     finished.

Who let tha dogs out?

Ma bad.

Why, Georgia, why?

Because.

What does the fox say?

I say, do it.  Thanks for thinking I’m foxy.  And for considering                   my input.

weirdnutdaily.com

weirdnutdaily.com.

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Chin Pubes

Two things:

On Foxnews.com (remember we’re in the no judgement zone) I read the headline, “Swimsuit Model Wears Nothing But Apron on Instagram”.  Wouldn’t that just make her an apron model?

Anyone notice Justine Bieber is trying to grow chin pubes?

It looks like she concentrated, strained really hard, and out popped some peach fuzz.  And, come on, there’s a vagina in those underpants.  Gotta admit, I was a little taken aback by the Bruce Jenner change.  I will not be surprised when it is revealed that “Justin” was born Justine.  Plus, she’s super annoying so…

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College Roommates Forever

massage-movement.co.uk

massage-movement.co.uk

My freshman year at UGA I had the most amazing roommate ever.  Someone I’d known since I was in the 5th grade.  We saw each other through middle school, high school, cheerleading, revenge pranks… we shared a special bond.  So it was fate when we chose to room together.

I knew we made the right choice when a pattern began to emerge during our frequent talks at 3am.

Me:  Kate!  You still awake?

Kate: Yep.

Me: What would you do if you walked in the room and all you saw were my feet inside the window and the rest of me was hanging out of the window?  And then when you looked down you saw I had a bag of oranges in my hand.  And you realized I got myself in this predicament all because of a bag of oranges?  Would you save me?

Kate: I’d open the window under the pretense of helping but really to see what happens.  What if I try to save you and grab your feet but then that pulls me out so I’m hanging by my feet, holding on to your feet and you still have the bag of oranges?  Then someone calls the fire department.

Me: Then 3 hot fire fighters show up and we each marry one.  One would be left over… that would be sad.

Kate:  I’ll take 2.

Me: You’d have to move.  But I’d move with you.  Just to see how that plays out.

Kate:  What would you do if you knocked on my door to borrow a cup of sugar and I answered the door dressed like a fairy princess and my firefighter husbands were both dressed like Peter Pan?

Me: I’d go back home and change into my costume.  But I wouldn’t tell you which one.  It would be a surprise.  Then I’d bust in your abode wearing a police costume and arrest you for being awesome.

Kate:  Something smells.

Me: Oh, that’s probably the old bowl of milk sitting on my desk.  It started off with me just being too lazy to take care of it but now it’s become an experiment.  Don’t touch it.

Kate:  I won’t.  I have my own experiment involving Chinese food in our fridge.

Me:  We should document this.  And turn it in to Myth Busters.

Kate:  That guy Adam is hot.

Me:  I like his hat.  Wait, is he the one with the hat?  Or is that the other one?  They’re both hot.

Kate:  Jon Stewart is hot.

Me:  Hells yeah he is.

And, thus, the humble beginnings of Tangent Tuesdays…

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Pay Up, Forward

change1

www.goodtimebenefit.com

 

 

 

“Paying it forward” is something I want desperately to perfect.  By nature, I’m a selfish person.  I get stuck in E’s world.

{Which, by the way, is an awesome world to be stuck in.  Lots of colorful daydreams, lots of started projects that never get finished, TONS of unicorns, and even more sugar.  Pretty amaze.} 

I have my routines, my habits.  I go about my daily grind (heh, grind) with my head down, just trying to get my daughter to school on time and do what I have to do to get by until I can pick up my babies from within the walls of the guilt-inducing, pseudo-school environment called daycare.

I rush home to get them fed, rush upstairs to get them bathed, then I either rush downstairs so they can tell Dad good night and rush back upstairs for story time/bed time, or he’s splitting bedtime duty with me and I get to skip that last trip downstairs.  I then rush to my bathroom to put my PJs on, wash off my makeup, hopefully take a shower, maybe brush my teeth, and go to sleep.  Then I wake up and do it all over again.

But every once in a while I’m interrupted.  Every once in a while a piece of humanity inserts itself into my routine and I’m reminded how amazing and thoughtful other people can be.  And I’m reminded of how thoughtful I should be and how I always fall short.

A few years ago I was in line at the drive thru at Starbucks on my way to work.  I ordered and pulled forward to the window.  When I took out my wallet the guy on the other side of the window said that the person behind me requested to pay for my drink.

Huh.  That’s odd.  Odd in a nice way.  Odd in the kind of way that I automatically felt inspired.  The barista handed me the drink and I pulled forward into a parking spot so I could put the straw in the cup without swerving into oncoming traffic on Peachtree.

While I was sitting there, a car pulled up beside me and rolled down the window.  It was my sister’s boyfriend.  He was the culprit.  The thoughtful person who saw me ahead and had the forethought to put forth effort which happened to make my day.

I thanked him profusely; I was even a little embarrassed because stuff like that happens so infrequently that I was unsure of how to respond with the appropriate amount of “thank-you”s so as not to appear cray-zee.

“I’ll pay it forward”, I decided.

The next day I actually went inside Starbucks.  It was almost my turn to order and I realized that I needed to be more prepared!  I couldn’t just turn to the person behind me and say, “hey, I’m going to pay for your drink.  You can’t say no.  I’m paying it forward.”  No, that would defeat the purpose.  AND that would be super awkward.

I couldn’t elbow my way between the person in front of me and the cashier.  THAT would be rude.  AAAAAnd even more awkward.  I could give the barista a $20 and tell her to use it until it’s gone.  But then some poor soul would be told “Hey, see that girl over there?  She paid for all but $.02 of your drink.  You owe me $.02.”

Um… thanks for nothing, weirdo!

You see my conundrum…

When I’m in a drive thru, I’m always wrapped up in what EYE am doing.  How much change can I find in my purse so that I don’t have to put this on my card?  Why have I been listening to Alvin & the Chipmunks since I dropped Roman off at daycare (20 minutes ago)?  Did I remember my phone?  Did I remember my gym bag?  What happened to the Versace sunglasses I lost 5 years ago?  Wouldn’t it be cool if they just randomly showed up one day??  By the time I get to the window I’m totally discombobulated.

Lately I’ve felt that my life is stagnate.  I’m going to work every day to a job that is just a job.  While I am grateful for it, I don’t make a difference.  I’m replaceable.  If I didn’t show up tomorrow, people would wonder, maybe even create a story about why.  Then post my job to be filled by someone else.

What legacy will I leave behind?  Am I showing my kids how to love?  How to be selfless?  The answers I have now are not the answers I want to have tomorrow.

So, in an effort to be an active member of humanity, I hereby vow to pay it forward at least once a week.  Hey, I gotta start somewhere.

In the meantime, I’d love “Pay it Forward” suggestions/stories so I can be better prepared this go round and I don’t have to admit defeat yet again, mumbling, “well, that didn’t go so well at all…” on my way back to my car.

pay it forward

www.moonjoggers.com

 

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Best Movies of All Time

A few of the best movies of all time according to ME:

Tombstone

Dumb & Dumber

Anchorman

Monty Python’s Holy Grail

Napoleon Dynamite

Joe Dirt

Nacho Libre

Face Off

Silence of the Lambs

Hannibal (Hannibal has to take a slight lead over Silence of the Lambs by default because it takes place Italy.)

What did I leave off?

BTW, no sappy crap allowed.

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