Warring Wardrobe

Stinky Shoe

 

What is this, you may be asking…  Well, I spent all day tryin’ to look cute with ma “Booties” and “Skinny Jeans”.  However, ma “Booties” and “Skinny Jeans” refused to cooperate.  So, instead of lookin’ PRETTY, as per my plan, I looked like I was searchin’ for 1985 wearin’ blue jean tube socks.  Ugh.  It’s bad enough that I just discovered another wrinkle AND gray hair.  Blah.  Oh, well.

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Wrote a Blog About It… Like Ta Hear It? Here it goes…

I kinda thought my life was “normal”.  Everyone has highs and lows, right?  It was only fairly recently I started noticing that people seem to react with nervous laughter, shock, awe, horror, or a “bless your heart” look when I’d join in on the water cooler talk.  The bad reactions made me pause.

{Doesn’t everyone have a crazy Green Beret ex-husband who tried to start another family while still married to their pregnant wife? NO????? Wait a minute…}

So, naturally, I did what every “normal” person does when they suspect something in their life is amiss; I drank heavily and went on a crime spree.  Just kidding.  (or am i???)   The things that I’ve gone through and the lessons I’ve learned have to be for something.So here I am, vowing to share with you the good, bad, and fugly. (It’s really a thing. Google it).

Full disclosure, I’m not a “trained” writer. (I know this comes as a shock cuz I’m so good at rhyming).  Growing up I wanted to be an actress.  More precisely, I wanted to be on Saturday Night Live so bad I could taste it.  For a minute it was a tossup between In Living Color and SNL.  But I settled on SNL because it was more established.  (See! A LOT of thought went into this).  And I had a plan to fulfill my destiny.  I would be discovered in a mall or bar a la Ashton Kutcher and magically appear on camera to tons of adoring fans because I was so incredibly awesome that everyone would automatically love me.  SNL would beg ME to join THEM.  From SNL I’d transition to Oscar-worthy films along the same line as Superstar, Happy Gilmore, and anything by Monte Python.

Making people laugh is all I’ve ever wanted to do.

But, being that I’m a member of the co-dependent club (recently discovered… more on that later), I gave in to “reason” and went to college (UGA, GO DAWGS!) to study Romance Languages (B.T.Dubs, not as sexy as it sounds).  I took film and acting classes as electives to satiate my desire to perform and put the dream of famed comedienne aside as outside pressure to conform to the norms of society mounted my hopes and dreams like a dog in heat.  Born of the fugly (heh) union was a string of life choices that were questionable at best.

Don’t get me wrong; I’ve had some amazing experiences. I graduated from a great party school college, went to parties joined a sorority while I was there, worked as a nanny in Italy for a second (well, hello, hot Italian lifeguard), had a promising career as a babysitter flight attendant for a minute, I coach cute little 5-year-old cheerleaders (I really can’t believe people trust me with their kids… maybe this blog is a bad idea), and have met some wonderful people along the way.

As roundabout as my journey has been, it brought me to my current situation, which is pretty dreamy. I have a hunky husband who sticks with me through the great and horrible (thanks, babe), two of the best kids in the history of kids (the cause of the permanent “II” between my eyes), and awesome friends who keep me grounded. (No, that’s not true. They feed my dirty, twisted sense of humor).

As it turns out, my career path has been a good, stable one. I’ve worked my way up the corporate ladder and my husband and I both have been able to provide well for our family. BUT, I still find myself unsatisfied (that’s what she said).

{Apparently, the white collar types look down on spontaneous comedy routines in annual incentive meetings… stuck up jerks.}

So, to simultaneously feed my hunger for comedy and spread some gul powa (Spice Girls), here is my blog.   In an effort to begin our relationship on the right foot, I have a few promises to make to you:

  1. I promise to try to not be vulgar or inappropriate (I will TRY)
  2. I promise to add a new post a least once a week (Pretty doable. That’s what she said)
  3. I promise to only publish posts that make sense and I promise to do a better job of editing out my stream-of-consciousness dialogue. (For me this is going to be hard because sometimes I get sidetracked on a slight tangent and then the next thing I know I’m on People.com and then- OH! I just read that Billy Gilman revealed he’s gay. Not sure who that is but good for him. I bet if I read the article I’d know who he is… BRB)
  4. I promise to try to not use “That’s what she said” jokes. LOL! I can’t. That’s a lie. When I see an opportunity to use that line it’s like the universe is daring me. And I can’t turn down a dare.

Out of the 4 promises above (which really are only 3, I think, because #4 could count toward #1) I’ll probably only stick to #2. Just being honest.

There will be laughs (I hope), there will be some awkward moments (I’m sure), some unexpected twists (no doubt), but I’ll lay it all out here.   (There will also be comma splices and misused words. This is your warning). And maybe, juuuust maybe, I can help someone out there live a little easier by avoiding some of the poo piles I’ve found myself in the middle of or, if you’ve already found them, know you aren’t alone and maybe have a laugh. Besides, and this is important, no matter how stinky life gets… AT LEAST WE’RE PRETTY!

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